R.I.P. Chibi *sniff*

To My Hamster

Chibi Kenshin

My pet from May 2004 to June 2005

I Love And Miss You Baby!!

HOW CUTE...

MY BEST FRIEND IS DATING MY "EX".

KNOW WHAT'S EVEN CUTER? AWWWW SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT WITH HIS KID...BUT I THOUGHT SHE WAS ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE. OH WELL!!!!! HOW EXCITING FOR THEM. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...IF SHE CAN ALREADY FEEL SIGNS OF PREGNANCY, THEN THAT MEANS IT WAS A WHILE AGO THAT THE ALLEGED BABY WAS CONCEIVED. HMMM...THAT MEANS THAT THEY FUCKED WHEN I WAS SUPPOSSEDLY GOING OUT WITH HIM. HOW IRONIC. THATS WHAT HAPPENED WITH HER LAST KID TOO. I BETTER BE THE GODMOTHER OF THIS ONE, TOO!!!

So you guys know, Im not even mad. If anything, I think it's funny as hell. Good Luck!!

So Ya...

I am so fed up with everything. Im not sure what that means, but its that time of the month, so Im going through my monthly "the-worl-is-a-dark-and-hateful-place-and-Im-gonna-pick-one-person-to-be-my-only-savior" ritual.

This month, it's either Daniel or Kyle, but since I'm not allowed to be around Kyle anymore...(sorry, still pissed about that), its just Daniel. My friends agreed with me that he was too clingy, too possessive. But now, they don't understand that I want to be with him every second as well. Its like, alot of shit has happened that should have made us grow farther apart, but despite that, we both feel more in love than ever. Im hopeing that Crystal finally understands, since she has an awesome boyfriend now too. Anyway, I dont know what this blog is about. I just had a really good day with the slight implication of a headache, but then suddenly I get accused of doing something that I was TOLD to do. And not even by the person who was pissed about it. She was around me for two hours and said nothing, she just started sending people to spy on me and her son. RUIN MY FUCKING DAY, WILL YOU! I LOVE ALL THREE OF YOUR KIDS, AND YOUR NEICE AND NEPHEWS OR COUSINS OR WHATEVER THEY ARE. AND NOW YOU LEAD ME TO THINK THAT IN YOUR EYES IM A DIRTY CHILD MOLESTER. I MEAN, YA, I JOKE. I DO FIND A FEW 13-15 YEAR OLDS ATTRACTIVE, AND YES, YOUR SON IS ONE OF THEM. BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE...I AM ENGAGED, AND FURTHERMORE I AM NOT IN A HURRY TO GO TO JAIL FOR STATUTORY RAPE. ESPECAILLY NOT WHEN IM GOING TO SCHOOL TO BE AN ELEMENTARY TEACHER. HOW COMFORTABLE AM I GONNA FEEL AROUND YOUR KIDS NOW, KNOWING THAT YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO ABOUT ME. AND WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THE WORST AND LOSING YOUR TRUST IN ME. I HAVE BEEN TURNING HIM DOWN FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, BECAUSE I KNOW ITS WRONG.

WHATEVER DUDE...

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME???


OK, now that that's out of my system...I DID NOT FUCK YOUR SON!!! HE'S 14 FUCKING YEARS OLD. MY GOD, DO YOU THINK I WANT TO GO TO JAIL??? AND IN ANY CASE, YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, WITH THE CONDITION THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU. OBVISOULY I DIDN'T TELL YOU, (BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN) SO WHY AM I SUDDENLY NOT ALLOWED TO BE AROUND MY ONLY FRIEND THAT LIVES IN HAYTI???

MY SORRIES

**I'm sorry that I was having a bad day. I see now that this is sinful.

**I'm sorry that "everyone" has been ragging on you. I will try my hardest to control them from now on, because I would hate to get yelled at for it again.

**I'm sorry that I didn't find the water balloon assult fun at the time. I understand now that I should always wish to partake in whatever my friends are planning, and genuinely enjoy it. In my defense, at least I went with you, despite the fact I didn't want to, and I didn't stop anyone from doing anything, and I almost had fun.

I honestly am sorry for hurting your feelings, and also (perhaps more-so) for making Terry think he was the worst boyfriend ever (especailly since I NEVER said he was). I've had my strike at you, and you had yours back at me. I'm over it, and I hope you will be soon, too, because you're an awesome, fun person.

So I'm Slightly Annoyed...

**THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO VARIOUS FACTORS, INCLUDING THE UNLAWFULLNESS OF MY BEING UPSET WHILE AUTHORING IT, AND SOMEONE'S INABILITY TO HONOR THE DISCLAIMER.

**that i have NEGATIVE 160 dollars right now and a 200 bill to CellOne. The negative balance is due to my bank being SHITHEADS all of a sudden...and the large cell bill is partially due to that reason as well.

**my favorite one of kristy's guinnea pigs died, both of my fish (Akira and Tiberious)died, kristy's kitten (Padawan),whom i loved, died, my hamster (Chibi) is deathly ill...

**that people like to talk about me behind my back to other people, then lie about it to me

**that everyone dislikes my boyfriend. I love him more than i ever did, and left and right people are telling me i shouldnt be with him, when they dont know shit

**people are also telling me not to be friends with the people i choose...but i am used to that...

Still Hate Money

Or rather my personal lack of it..

I looked online at my balance in my checking account. Turns out that rather than just one overdraft charge, they keep charging me every day or two, whatever amount they feel like, for keeping a negative balance. It's like a freaking credit card. They just keep screwing me and making it even harder to catch up. And to whoever left the comment last time, I AM LOOKING FOR A JOB!!! I had one in Aberdeen through school, but at home for the summer is another story. I had a good interveiw last week, but I haven't heard back from them yet. It's gonna take my first paycheck just to get a positive balance. IM SO PISSED!!!!!!! I'm so glad that I am going to college, so that I can hopefully have a real job when I grow up, so that my kids don't have to live way under the poverty level like I've had to do all my life.

Favorite Songs Of The Moment

As of May 31:

Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
Just A Lil Bit - 50 Cent
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson (WHY????)
BYOB - System of a Down

Updates

Well, I still haven't seen H2G2 (Hitchhitcker's Guide to the Galaxy). I don't think it's in theaters anymore...oh well. I was gonna buy it when it came out no matter what. AND GUESS WHAT?! Daniel bought me a new computer, and it plays DVDs, so now I can watch my movies (my at-the-time BRAND NEW DVD player "mysteriously" stopped working while "sitting untouched" at school when I went home for the weekend during first semester...) so I have been without for awhile, so I'm pretty excited right now.

My rummage sale kinda sucked. Well, in the sense that I sat outside for 4 hours and still had two boxes full of stuff to pack up and bring back inside. Even when I left the tables unattended for an hour, no one even wanted to steal anything...It was OK, though, I guess. I made about $20 because I sold 4 larger items. No one bought my books...I guess no one likes Goosebumps or Babysitter's club anymore. Even the used book store in Watertown won't take them. I was smart though, and I took all the books they would take there, and ended up with $10 store credit. Hopefully they will get some Douglas Adams books that I don't have yet. (HINT for my birthday: Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul)

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AND WHY, ON BLUE'S CLUES, DOES BLUE LIVE WITH STEVE, BUT MAGENTA HAS HIS OWN HOUSE??? (Is magenta a boy? Blue is a girl, I'm fairly certain. Crap! Why don't I know these things???) -----> This is what makes Nickelodeon so thought provoking. MY MIND IS BEING STIMULATED TO THE POINT OF ORGASM!!!!!!

This Is Educational TV?

OK, so I'm watching Dora The Explorer (it's early in the morning and I have had two cups of coffee)

Anyway, Dora's mom is having a baby, and Dora and boots need to get home. Now, a main part of the show isher using the map to get to a certain location, using landmarks on the way to know she's on the right path. (Example: River, Forest, Dora's House)

Now please, tell me why someone is allowed to wander all over the place with a freakin' MONKEY, talking to inanimate objects, and NOT EVEN KNO HOW TO GET BACK TO HER OWN HOUSE!!!!


HAHAHAHA!!!!

(I actually love this show, and think that it is great for children. I just found this funny.)

Not That Any Of This Matters Anymore...

It was so long ago...BUT:

Remember how I said that best friends will do things that hurt their friends, and not care...well how ironic that in that near area of time, SOMEONE I thought was my best friend stupidly tried to break up me and Daniel. IT"S NOT GOING TO WORK!!!!!! My baby knows I love him, and he is not going to believe some ramblings from a girl he barely knows! Good try though...


The worst part of it is that she LIED! To him, to ME! When I asked her about what had been said during the IM conversation between Daniel and her, she lied, repeatedly, and semi-convincingly. Fortunately (for me) I had been there for part of it, and had went back and read the entire thing before talking to her. She completely flipped it around when she talked to me, saying that Daniel had suspected everything, and asked her specific questions. All she did was answer yes or no.

THIS IS NOT HOW IT WENT...all he did was ask a small question to which he already knew the answer. Once she gave in and answered that one, she seemed to get pissed at me all over again for some stupid shit that I thought we had worked out, and started blurting out whatever she could think of. But when I asked her, she lied...all while saying that she loved me and didn't want to ruin our friendship...if I hadn't been so hurt, confused, and pissed, I would have laughed at everything.


It's so retarded...but whatever. I am a kind and forgiving person by nature, so as long as I am secure in my relationship with Daniel, and I know he loves me, and isn't going to believe something ridiculous from a stranger, I CAN LET THIS PASS.

(And to this "friend" : before you get all pissed, notice that I DID NOT USE YOUR NAME THEREFORE YOUR REPUTATION IS STILL CLEAN...or rather I should say that I didn't hurt it...)

To My Faithful Readers

Now that I am aware that people actually do read my blog, and actually leave comments (YAY!!!), I guess I should make an effort to keep it up over the summer. I rareky will have Internet access for the next few months, and so I will utilize the opportunities I have...


What is there to say...

...well I had a dream last week which I may post later (I typed it up as soon as I woke up, but it's saved on my computer at home). Crystal (the friend formerly known as Christina) helped me to interpret it, and I guess what we came up with was that there is some changes going on in my life, perhaps some conflicting sides, and I am very frustrated at things that were once simple. Honestly, you could make that work for just about any situation...kind of like horoscopes...but I do see what it could be pointing at...

...it's too bad that dreams only tell you what's going on, and not how to fix it or what will happen in the end.

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So...what have I been doing things vacation...well, I'm trying to have a rummage sale this weekend, but it'll prolly rain. It's been so rainy lately. That's OK though. I like rain. Sun is nice too...as long as it's not unbearable hot. I might be able to wash my car if it stays nice. I've been spending alot of time with Daniel, Crystal, and Tyler lately. That's been fun. I've also been talking to David almost every day. I got to baby-sit Michael overnight last week. That was awesome. He was actually helping me unpack my stuff from college, and he behaved really well for me (alot better than he does at his house!). I have been watching Punk'd alot, too. Ashton is really hott...

Well i'm gonna go take my doggie for a walk...BUHBYE!!!!

I'm Just Saying...(WARNING: This Is A Rant)

It's so funny (in a non-comical way) how there seems to be this chain going....boyA dumps girlA for someone else, girlA is heartbroken. new girlB dumps boyA for loserB that fucked her over once before. boyA is heartbroken. loserB dumps girlB again. girlB is heartbroken. what can we learn from this...


NOTHING!!!! Nothing except for the ironic fact that that's how life works. You hurt others and others hurt you. Even the ones that you thought you could trust. Humans are selfish and evil in their nature...They may not always do the thing that benifits them, but they will usually hesitate to do something that hurts them, even if they know it will help a friend. At nikki's funeral, the pastor guy said that there was only a few people in the church who would have been willing to take nikki's place. That is sadly true. While her friends loved her, most wouldn't have died for her. Most wouldnt die for me, or you. I quote a Simple Plan song now: "Thank you for showing me that best friends cannot be trusted" I'm not saying that you cant trust your friends...I'm just saying that at some point, they will hurt you, and they'll know it, and they WONT CARE!!!! It is a fact of life...


TO MY BEST FRIENDS: I LOVE YOU GUYS....(lol as if that means anything right now...)

Why Does God Take Those Who Have not Yet Had A Life?

My only guess is that He wished for someone so high-spirited to spread her light and happiness to the pure souls in Heaven, rather than on us corrupted beings. I will see you again some day, Nikki...


In Memory of
NICHOLE MARIE BUSSARD
July 5, 1988 - May 9, 2005

The odd thing is that last night, I had a dream that I went back to my college, and she was there, and she was very much alive. I told her what happened, and to be very careful if she gets in to a car. This is odd, because this was a couple days after she died, and because she doesn't even go to my college. We went to high school together.

This whole thing is really freaky, too, because this same thing almost happened to Jon and Terry a few months ago...they also were in a car accident and were also thrown from the vehicle...but by some miracle they survived. I am very thankful for that...I dont know what I would have done had they not made it. However, I wonder for what reason they were allowd to live, and Nikki wasn't...

my fiance...

why doesnt he undrstand me? whenever i try and explain anything to him, he doesnt get the point, but instead just goes on about something else....some small little thing i may have said. he always misses the stupid point. why does he always have to make me feel like a little kid? just because he's almost 22 and im only 19, and just because he has a fulltime job he thinks that he's so much better than me. for god sake, im in college for a reason. its so that i can have the life i want sometime down the road. its not that i love the idea of moving a long ways away, taking out loans, and spending all my time studying. i want to have a good job that i enjoy when i grow up so that i can have a good life and support a family. and now that schools over for the year, i want to have a blast this summer but i know its gonna suck because i wont be able to do anything, and its because of him. he'll want me with him whenever hes not working, and if anything cuts in to that time by even an hour or two, he will get pissed. even when he's working, he'll wanna know what i was doing, and then destroy all the fun i had (if i even manage to have any) by letting me know how stupid he thinks it was. its like he just wants me to be a boring fucking adult and just do nothing. he doesnt realize that adults are allowed to have fun, too. or maybe he does, but it always has to be with your partner. im not supposed to be with anyone but be with him all the time. he doesnt seem to want me to have friends. he doesnt want me to have any fun unless it includes him. just because he has no life or friends doesnt mean that us normal people cant...

and just because im two hours away, he automatically assumes im cheating on him. his reasons are bullshit. they are because im far enough away that he wouldnt know, and because i dont call him very much. both of those also apply the other way around. i have just as much reason to accuse him of it as he does me, but i think they are pathetic reasons, and i trust him. he thinks that just because i have friends and stuff that i am not mature enough to get married. excuse me, but i dont think he is either. he doesnt even fucking trust me. he doesnt understand how the emotions of normal people work. he makes me feel like shit all the time. he makes me feel controled, and like i cant do anything without his approval. its so bad that when someone asks me for my opinion on something, im so surprised that i dont know what to say. im not used to making my own decisions. i mean, ya, he asked me what i think, but its never the right answer. he'll even go as far as to let me think that he agrees with me, and let me be relieved that i said the right thing, only to tell me after its all over with that he was pissed about what i said. i shouldnt have to live like this...

but i love him so much. believe it or not, he is very sweet to me. he's the one im destined for, i know it...dont even try to make any judgements about this...trust me, you dont know enough to have that right...i have already said enough about him on this blog, if you look at the correct posts, and there is nothing left for me to say in his defense. he just has his faults, as does everyone...it just so happens that his faults are tearing me apart...

WHAT A FUCKING RIP OFF!!!

The NUMBER ONE SUCKIEST thing about being a college student:

Spending almost $400 at the start of the semester on books that you rarely (if ever) open, and getting $7 back at the year-end buy-back...


...true fucking story

I just now finally got around to listening to Simple Plan's latest CD, and for no particular reason, this is my new favorite song ever by them:

How Could This Happen To Me

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white line.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I’m trying to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I want to start this over a gain
So I try to hold
On to a time when
Nothing matters
And I can’t explain
What happened and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

*CHORUS*

I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

My favorite book has been made into a movie, and it comes out tomorow. I'm sure that I won't get to see it for a few weeks (Watertown is slow sometimes) but ya...I hope it doesn't suck. I'm sure though,, after reading the book series, the movie will be a dissapointment...it always is that way, you know...


***Interesting Tidbit
If you go to google, and search for "the answer to life, the universe, and everything" the google calculator will answer "42" (you really must read the books to understand this...)

The Answers To All Life's Important Questions

Click here for the answer to all of your questions, according to Shaggy

A Reminder About The Disclaimer...

I appreciate the concern shown towards be as a result of some of my previous posts. I would just like to remind everyone that this site comes with a disclaimer, and for good reason. I used to have a diary when I was younger. My "friends" kept finding and reading it, and because of that, I became unable to put my thoughts and feelings into a tangible form for fear that they would be read. I am finally getting over that. I understand that the point of this blog is for it to be read, and I love that there are at least two people who read it (haha). However, I ask you all (both) to remember that what I may say at one point may not be how I feel ten minutes later. I post things that are in my head, and this is a daring move, as there were lots of oppurtunities for upsetting alot of people. Luckily, none of them read this...

Anyway, my point (it's in there somewhere...) is this: I am going to try really hard to not let anyone or anything prevent me from using this blog as a ventilation place. Writing out my thoughts makes them more sorted, real, and able to be shared with others in an organized and permament form. In regards to my previous and future posts, don't think too much on them. If I have such a serious problem, I do know enough to talk to someone about it. Remember, I was talking to David last time...true, it was the talk that we had which lead me to that point, however, had I been set on killing myself, he have had a much harder time stopping me. The look on his face when I just mentioned it was enough to make me remember that I am loved. I know that I am blessed with a bunch of friends, and I know that the world is full lots of things that I would never want to leave.

I'm Starting To Understand How Harry Felt...

When Harry Potter first arrived in at Hogsmeade, he is following Hagrid around town to collect all of the things he needs for school. Imagine yourself as a small boy in an unknown place, speed-walking as fast as you can to keep up with the leisurely pace of the giant man leading you around. All you can see are his broad shoulders and a mass of long hair bobbing way up in the air in front of you. You try to keep up, not wanting to become lost without him...

This is how I felt today. Ryan, a boy in my Wellness class, and I both had some worksheets missing. Our teacher gave us a workbook and told us to make copies of the ones we needed. Ryan offered to make copies for me, and so I was following him across campus, into a building, up stairs, down stairs, down the hall, and all over the place to find the copy machine that he knew how to use. I couldn't help but laugh to myself, because I really felt like I was Harry and he was Hagrid.

It is such a good thing that I was able to get those worksheets made, though. As you made have noticed, I am a bit stressed about school right now...I am getting a C in at least one class (horrible by my standards) and my Algebra class...don't even talk to me about it!! I have been falling behind in all my classes, actually. Except for English. I may have really disliked my teacher, but his toughness has forced me to go to class (each subsuquent absense from now on results in an automatic deduction of one letter grade from my semester grade!) and therefore do all the assignments and be prepared. Math on the other hand...ya...thought it was easy, stuff I did in 8th grade. All I had to do was show up for tests. Well to keep it simple, IM FUCKED!!! He won't let me make up the test I missed, and I'll have to study/reveiw my ass off to get an A on the final. That's a high mark to shoot for, but it's my only hope in passing the class. Its a requirement, and I am not gonna allow myself to have to pay for it again, damnit! Plus I'm deathly afraid of losing my Opportunity Scholarship, which requires a cumulative GPA of 3.0 or above (never a problem before!!) I feel like such a fucking retard. But this last week, I have actually been getting things accomplished. I am almost caught up all my classes (math is the only one lagging now). I just have to remember that studying for the finals is crucail at this point. Thankfully, all of my friends feel the same way, and even the ones that aren't in school want me to do well, and so there shouldn't be any interferences.

Well, I've wasted enough time now. I'd best get back to work!

Kids Say The Darnest Things...

Working at a day-care, I hear alot of interesting things...

While pushing two girls on the swings...

Aerial(age 3): You've got fat boobies, right?
Me: What?!
Aerial: You've got fat boobies.
Me: Sure...
Aerial: My mommy and my daddy do, too. I don't. Not 'til I grow up, right?
Me: Yup!
Brittany(age 5): I have a swing-set...

(I don't know what's funnier...the fact that Aerial's mommy and daddy have "fat boobies" or Brittany out of nowhere..."I have a swing-set...")

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Emily, age 2, was laying in my lap with her blankie. I was cuddling and tickling her, and at one point, I said:

Me: I've got my Emily, all wrapped up in a blanket!

Emily (pushing the blanket away with a look of terror and betrayal on her face): I'm not wrapped up in a blanket. I'm just a regular human!

(where does she get this stuff?? One day, she was like "My apologies to my mother!!". I wasn't there that day, so I dunno why she said it, but its still cute!)

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Carter, at age 1, is at the stage when everything goes in his mouth. He walks up to me with a very plain looking green and yellow plastic boat bath toy in his mouth.

Me: Hey Carter, what you eatin?

Carter (very matter-of-factly): A boat. (at this, he toddles away...)

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Emily (while spinning around in circles to the music): I'm too little to rock and roll.

Me and David got a fishy. It's a betta (of course). Its the most beautiful blue I have ever seen!! We were both freaking out about it, so Kristy got it for us in addition to the one she picked for herself. I hope he realizes that he has full responsibility of it over the summer...

I'm thinking about naming it Tiberious ( I know, I'm strange...its some name I heard in History of Western Civilization class...)

We could call it Ty...that's not a strange name...

Random Quote From Kristy

Hey! Why's your dick caved in? - Kristy (to her son while changing his diaper)

Why Is Everything So Funny At 3:00 am??

Last night, David and I were sitting in my car talking, and suddenly I felt a draft. Note that the word "draft" sounds "giraffe". That was fucking hilarious last night! We just kept repeating the two words and laughing insanely at the fact that that we couldn't tell which one we were saying...

Ya, I know. We're crazy. Also note that "mule" backwards is "elum".
I won't even try explaining the hilarity behind this word, because it is impossible for anyone but David to understand it...

It's A Beautiful Day?

I guess we will wait and see if that holds true...School almost over...dunno what to think about that. I like being in Aberdeen with my friends, but I feel obligated to go home. That's it. I don't like going home. If my dad and Daniel moved to Aberdeen, I would never go home. There's other people I like to see from home, but they can come up here for a change, dangit!! I am also starting to get really irritated with certain people up here, so maybe going home is a good thing. I dunno...I guess I just have to concentrate on finishing school and passing...summer vacation is inevitable so I'll just take things as they come. I have to go meet with my advisor to make my schedule for next fall, so buhbye.

My Roommate The Computer Geek...

"Hey, did you know they elected a new pope." - Sakura
"Ya. We saw that on TV yesterday, remember? He was being installed." - Felicia

This Is Me Being Thoughtful..

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Sometimes, in fits of honesty or self realization, you may allow thoughts to become tangible in forms of written or spoken expression which are in turn interpreted by the very people that shouldn't be allowed access to that information. Once your private thoughts are out in the open, for better or worse, there is no way to take them back. But maybe that is a good thing...because you don't always realize the power of your words until they have had awhile to soak into the fibers of the world. Once you understand their full effect, you may be glad that you weren't able to snatch them back at the first sign of dissaproval.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It is (probably) optimal to always tell the truth...or at least most of the time. It is also (probably) a good idea to never do anything that needs lying about, although not all things are in your complete control.

OK. My thoughtfulness just left...sorry to leave you hanging, but these bursts only show up for a short amount of time...

At the risk of sounding like Felicia...

I HATE MONEY!!!

I have about $40 to my name right now, and I own NSU $25 for a stupid parking ticket, I owe BMG $50 for CDs and late charges (honestly not too worried about this...) and who knows how big my fucking cell phone bill is gonna be!! At least $60, I'm sure...I really hate to do it but I'm gonna have to ask my uncle for money...Maybe I could sell some stuff...My N64...ya...it's in great condition. Anyone wanna buy it??? Please??? Oh and I have a PS2 game...(I don't even have a PS2...)

Maybe I could sell myself on the street...eww no prolly not!

...

secrets i keep hidden...hidden from those who think they know me...no one knows me, not even me...isolating myself from the world...just let me sit in the fragment of reality that is my own twisted mind...allow me to live in my fantasy...allow me to live in peace, inviting members of my personal community in...one at a time...all i ask...please don't judge me...i do care what you think...i do...too much...just let me be...its my life...its my fantasy...if i want you there i will bring you to my world...ramblings...thats all this is...my mind forms thoughts...i feel detatched from the world...i feel so happy...living a lie...hiding...avoiding...running...trying to run my own life...my way...disregard for responsibility...no concept of time...becoming scared that it will all fall down in my face and the friends i pushed away will stand and laugh...

those that i care about may never know...i cant express my feelings properly anymore...love by domination...seems logical...doesn't really, but what do i know?

please dont leave me...know that somewhere deep inside this confused person is the girl who charms snakes...the one whom everyone loves...why do they love me?

what is so specail...i dont see it...all i see is me...and i am a psychotic confused mess

Random Notes:

Chinchillas really can ruin the mood...


We (Mal, Felicia, and I) actually did memorize the alphabet backwords

The Pope's New Groove

We are learning how to write html in English class (don't ask why...) and so anyway we are just practicing now with random text and images. The the image that I chose was of a white goat. The block of text I copied is about the pope...

Not sure that this is really a proper fit...

My Car Is PIMPIN!!!

YAY!!! I finally got a CD player in my car!!! (Thank you David!!)

History Class

Today in history, Dias was explaining what he did and didn't want to see in our term papers. One thing he mentioned was no rough language. After that point, he purposely threw in swear words in the rest of his lecture, never actually saying them, just implying. So ya then my phone rings. Its Mal. I apoligized, and then Dias says "Why don't you tell them that you are really f-ing busy." I was like "Can I really?" He said yes, so I answered "Hi Mallory. I'm in Dias's class and he wanted me to tell you that I'm really f-ing busy. I'll call you back, ok?" The whole class had gotten quite to listen to me. It got a few laughs. I'm sure my face was red, but it was great. *smile*

Congratulations!!!

My car had a baby!!!

Now allow me to explain: The other day, Shaggy was trying to park behind my car as close as he could in order to leave enough room behind him for Kristy's car. He parked so close that they were touching. We somehow turned that to mean that they were having sex. Hours later, he accidently hit me again with his car. I exclaimed " Are you fucking me again??" He said he was, and I told him that I would let him know if my car got pregnant. Part two goes as follows: Mal, Felicia, and I were trying to memorize the alphabet backwards. We were trying to group the letters into sounds that would be easier to remember. One part was "RQPO". Say it once fast. It sounds like a mixture of R2D2 and C3PO (Star Wars). Somehow, I decided that my car was R2D2 and Shaggy's was C3PO, and that the baby that they would have together would be called RQPO. So we went to the store and bought a 94 cent Hotwheels car that somehow alomost resembles a mix of our cars. I am going to go over to Shaggy's and demand child support.

This post is to Tammy...my email is too damn slow...

Me=scared shitless of authority
Katie=loves to call the cops to prove that she is an adult

If her aunt (as she considers her) tells her "hey, so and so did this, will you please call the cops for me" of course she will do it. It doesn't sound so unreasonable...except for the fact that it was a stupid reason to call in the first place (im talking about what she told the cops, not the real reason, being that she was mad at him i suposse, which is an extremely dumb reason) and also the fact that if joyce has a problem with something, she should have the balls to take care of it herself. And really, dont cops have more serious matters to deal with? if i was the cop, i would have said "thats too bad lady, just ground him or something. dont freakin bother me with shit like that". but ya...i'll talk to katie about it...its quite possible that she doesnt realize that joyce has major pms and what shes pissed about.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

I have come to the ultimate decision that nothing matters. Not even this post. I have so much to say. So much going on in my head, yet I just can't grasp any one thought long enough to read it. Just know that I died from confusion. Did youever wonder about what you would write in a suicide letter? I don't know what I would say. I wouldn't be able to think of everything that I would want to say to everyone. I'm sure I would leave some people out, and leave many to never understand what I was feeling. Also, I have read a friends letter, and it is not a fun thing. I woudn't want someone to have to read about all my contradictions. I could nver express everything in a short letter, and what's the use of wasting time on a long one? Who would read it?

IF YOU HAD ONE LAST CHANCE TO TELL THE WORLD THE THINGS YOU KEPT INSIDE/ONE MORE DAY TO RELEASE THE THOUGHTS THAT MUCH PREFER TO HIDE/WHAT WOULD YOU SAY/ WHAT WOULD YOU LIE/WOULD YOU FINALLY TELL THE TRUTH/REGRET WHAT YOU SAY/REGRET WHAT YOU DON'T/THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU - Copyright MEEEEE

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
(If I Die Tomorrow - Motley Crue)

Are You Taking Me To David?**

I sit here doing nothing, being as useless as the rest of my life. Felicia is watching some movie about a demonic looking teddy bear who belongs to a boy named David.

Daniel came to see me today for like an hour. It was nice. I love him.

I feel like I have so many things that need doing, and they never get done. Whenever I actually get the motivation I need, someone gets in the way.

**from the movie "artificial intelligence"

Random Quotes

"Sometimes its the littlest things we take for granted, just like a fish, cause no matter what, they will be there, and will never get pissed and walk out on a conversation" - Tammy

"Guys are always so rough. I like soft things...like girls!" - Felicia

"Ford, you're turning in to an infinant number of penguins." - from a book

At Least the Sun's Out

I forgot to study for my math test, and therefore am skipping AGAIN. I have to make up a history exam tomorow. Also have to write a term paper. I'm not sure if I want to stay here or not. School almost out. Then I can be home. Yay. That bad thing is that dammit! Just realized this! If David doesn't get out like in the next month, then I won't be here, and I still won't get to see him...Freakin' A! I get to visit him tomorow. Skipping MIS class. Missing that test too dammit!! Oh well..its a hassle but he's worth it. I wonder if he misses me...

NOOO!!!!

My poor fishie is dead...*big tears*

Akira Voldemort, Rest in Peace

You've no idea how tramatized I am by this...:(

Now That I'm More Awake...

I really need to start sleeping...its not good for me to go without sleep and food so much as I have been doing. I guess its the weather. Its so nice out, its got me feeling great. Plus Mal really encourages me. Good thing she called me this morning. I fell asleep on her bed when she went to class, and I woulda missed mine had she not called me. Its not good...I get dizzy all the time, and sick to my stomach. But our windows are clean! And chust...you think there aren't enough hours in the day to put off all the stuff you need to do, but even when you never sleep, you still run out of time to procrastinate!!! Well, teacher lady wants me to do work now. BYE

I'm Lovin' It

There's something about McDonald's coffee and a breakfast burrito at 7 am that makes you wonder why the hell you stayed up so late. At 5 this morning, Mal and I were washing her car windows. Then we went driving and ended up at McDonald's. Now it's much too late to sleep, and we have officailly pulled our second all nighter. This is insane. I WANT TO SLEEP!!!

Go Look At My Photos!!!!

Here is the direct link to my online photo album. If you've looked at it before, you'll have to skip to page 3 to see new pictures.

http://sakura-aeris.tripod.com/photos/index.album?i=0

Just To Clarify

I DID feel sorry for Shawnna. I did. She was hurting bad, and I really couldn't help it, but I tried. I tried listening, I tried explaining, I did everything a friend could do. What I didn't do was promise I would never talk to Tyler again. I think thats why she hates me. She couldn't understand why I was still his friend, and whether she knew it or not, a much closer one than she ever was. Rather than accept my nuetral position, she avenged me for it. She started saying that I was dating him, that it was my fault, that I knew everything he was doing and didn't tell her. MONTHS later, she still wouldn't let up on it. She wouldn't talk about anything but what a horrible person he was and how terrible I must be to stay friends with him. Weeks after that, she yells at me in public, while shes working. She had been worried about getting in trouble for me going through her checkout line when we were friends, but she can bitch me out while customers wait and listen? Whatever, bitch. Get over it, get over yourself, and FUCKING DIE!!!!

The Simple Pleasures in Life

I used to dread going in to the Watertown Wal-mart because Shawnna worked there. After our "final disagreement" as I shall call it, every time we saw each other, it was a very awkward moment, resulting in us both darting in opposite directions. I can't speak for her, but I know it ruined my day. Seeing her left me in a horrible, vengence-seeking mood. I would bitch to everyone that would listen about why I hated that bitch. But by now, I think I have ventilated enough to be satisfied, and while I would still delight watching her house burn the the ground, with all of her skating memorobilia and awards in it, I no longer allow her to ruin my mood. Instead, it has quite the opposite effect. I saw her yesterday and today in Wal-mart, and each time, I remembered that she is twice as sensitive as me, and twice as incapable to let things go. Therefore, seeing me will probably ruin her day twice as much. Let her remember that while she was in love with him, my best friend dumped her. The bitter old hag will never let that go. Let her remember that he gave ME the Tigger, and not her. She can just go on thinking that there was something between us. Also, let her remember that I am still with Daniel (he was with me yesterday when I saw her). I can't help but smile at the thought of her running back to the break room in tears, just because she saw me at work. (Although this didn't happen, I can pretend. Theroretically it could have)

A House Warming Party Is In Order!

My fishy, Akira (aka Voldemort), moved into his new home today. Well, technically yesterday, but close enough. Its a clear bowl with a mixture of cerulean blue and clear marble-rock things. There's a (fake) white flowering plant growing from the center, and a purple-blue flower floats on a lily pad on the water's surface. I think he shall be quite happy.

I am very disapointed that SOMEONE hasn't been posting on her blog lately...

Damn, homework sucks ASS!!! It's almost summer, it's almost summer...

Also, Ty, I had a similar experience...I'm in the BMG music club, and normally its fine. I only buy when theres sales, etc. But sometimes they call and want to give me such a "great deal" by sending my 3 CDs and a certificate for 9 free ones. That would be fine...if there were 12 CDs I really wanted. It's 18 for each of the 3 u must buy...that makes $54. Each of the cds, free or not, have a S&H charge of $3, totaling $36. Thats $90 dollars!! True, in Sam Goody, 12 cds would run you about $200 or more. But I do not WANT 12 cds, therefore I do not want to take advantage of your "specail offer". It's ridiculous, cuz they say u qualify cuz ur an outstanding member, but u can rack up a $50 bill (of cds costing $8 or less, as that is the only time I buy them), not pay for a year, and as soon as u do, ur back in great standing. And they badger you, saying "but your going to buy these cds anyway, why not let us save u money?" No, actually, I dont think i would...and furthermore, you have to choose from a short list of cds they pick out for the initial 3. Its so ridiculous.

HAHA! So Happy, I Am!

Life is great when you make certain discoveries that make you giggle like a schoolgirl and blush.*TEE HEE* You have made my day! And I was so worried...

Random Things That Suck

*Saying things you really should have kept to yourself

*Speeding Tickets

*When fate shows you how you made someone else feel

*Moving 2 hours from your best friends

*Large class assignments that are all due the same week

*Being trapped in something you always dreamed of

*Bad immune systems

*Not being able to control fate

*Controling fate only to find you should have let it be

*Car problems

*Working

A Very Interesting Easter Break Indeed

Those with whom I experienced the various events know what I mean!!

Top 5 Things About Easter Break:

1. Finding out that THREE of my friends want me (lol)
2. Having a son for about a half hour
3. SAM!!
4. FINALLY eating at Pizza Hut
5. Getting another speeding ticket (k...this part actually sucked ass)

WHOOOO WHOOOO

Last night, Stacy, David, and I were walking across town to Scotty's house. The walk itself was long and cold, but fairly fun. It really felt like High School again, wlaking down the middle of the street during the wee hours of the night with my friends.The funnest part of it all was crossing the train tracks. Being from small little towns, Stacy and I had never really been that close to train before. We needed to cross the tracks to get to Scotty's, but we didn't really wanna wait for the whole damn thing to pass. David's like "run!". So we did. We ran right in front of the thing and we were so scared that we would fall down. It was close enough that it wouldn't have been able to stop. Right as we were crossing, we both looked over and saw it right there with its big old light shining right at us. Then it blew its whistle. It was the scariest frickin thing ever! It was great.... *smile*

Nice Little Coincidences Are Convenient

Every notice when something totally random happens and it either prevents something terrible from happening or causes something really great to happen? Nice, isn't it? Like today, I was going to back up out of my parking space at work, and for some dumb reason, I didn't look behind me before throwing the car into reverse. I hit the gas but it didn't go. I had just started turning my head to look behind me when I saw the car that was behind me, going for the spot on the other side of me. Had my car listened to me when I'd instructed it to back up, I would have smacked them, and it would have been a pretty dumb move on my part.

How Will She Ever Teach Him To Share??

"Hey, hey, hey, Michael, that's mommy's Vicatin."
- Katie

2 Out Of 2 College Students Agree

"The time consuming process of doing nothing is having an adverse effect on my studies."
- Sakura
(Stuart feels the same is true for him)

Patrick Harding, I Thank You

You told everyone I was your girlfriend when I wasn't, and yet you slept with one of my best friends. Because of this, my godbaby was born. Even though you ditched her, abondoned your son, and gallavanted off with some other girl, cared for her child that wasn't yours (while stil denying your own son) and eventually married someone and dissapeared, I thank you. Because of the state you left Katie in, she matured very quickly. I have been there for her, and we have grown very close. I also have a baby boy to help raise, which is convenient since Daniel and I choose not to have our own just yet. Because of me and Katie's closeness, we had a Halloween party a year and a half ago. That party started my feelings for Terry. Although we didn't work out, it was through him and my mixed up feelings that I ultimately realized how much I care for Daniel and now we are doing better than ever. When I became friends with Terry's family, Christina did, too, and with them, she found the stable home environment she needed to get her through tough times. She also found someone who cares for her as a person, understands her, and is the kind of guy I always wanted her to be with.
Patrick, I hate what you did to Katie and Michael, and I wish with all my heart you would come back into your son's life. But I will not say that making him was a mistake. When one little thing causes a chain of events to happen, it produces a butterfly effect. Change one thing, change everything. Had you not been an irrisponsible prick and knocked up some random girl, our lives would all be very different. I thank you for all the things you did, even though you really don't deserve it.

Once again, i find myself thanking someone for doing something that doesn't necessarily deserve a "thanks". Through my brother I am learning the full extend of what I put Daniel through, and I feel horrible all over again. Even when we fight, as we did a couple times over spring break, I still would rather be with him and hate him for the moment than love him and know I ruined my chance to be with him. Supossedly, Terry still likes me and it's so tempting sometimes, but Daniel is my life, and many times I have said that. Over break, he took his ring back during a fight and then left the room. I immediately erupted with unstoppable tears and searched the kitchen as frantically as I could without waking anyone, and I was literally going to kill myself. I downed some tylenol pm and I found the sharpest of the new knives they got for christmas. i had it to my wrist, and something stopped me. I went back into his bedroom and we worked things out. i realized that without him, i have nothing. terry is a great friend, and i never want to lose that. but a little girl crush is not worth giving up true love that has grown so strong over almost 4 years.

***Disclaimer - don't get upset with me. i'm not implying that what you did was a mistake. i don't know who ur meant to be with and fate has a fucked up way of letting us know these things. this post was not meant to attack you, it was for me to express my feelings and my own life. i still love you like a sister.

Favorite Songs Of The Moment

Just though I would document this for future reference.

In no particular order, my favorite songs at the moment are:
Candy Shop - 50 Cent
My December - Linkin Park
Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil
Disco Inferno - 50 Cent
Bless The Broken Round - Rascal Flatts
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Nothin' To Lose - Josh Gracin

Amazing!

I got my first officail written warning from my RA over spring break. (note that I was not even here over spring break). I'm so excited that I can get in trouble without even doing anything wrong!!!!

See what happened is that my roomate was staying in the dorms some extra time after break started (and after I went home) and before she left, she had forgotten to unplug something and left something in the trash can. So we both got blamed for it, which is retarded, because she was here at least a day after I was, therefore she should have been the one to do the final check out procedure. Obviously she would need things plugged in after I left, and therefore I couldn't really do it...see what I mean?

Kind Of Irrelevant, But A Good Idea

The other day, my dad was talking to me about when he was younger, him and his friends would go to this resteraunt, lounge, bar place and order coffee. They would drink it down about half way and then refill the cup with vodka. They were called "the most wide awake drunks in the place."

Update Of Spring Break

Well, not a whole lot has happened over break. I have yet to meet up with Ty. Sam and Roy. I didn't go anywhere besides Watertown, and it isn't even nice out any more. Still, it's nice to not have to go to school, although I'm starting to understand what Christina goes through every day when all her friends are at school and she has nothing to do until they get home. Daniel worked yesterday and today, so I had a chance to run around with my other friends, but Christina and Roy are out of state, and Katie ran off somewhere. Yesterday I hung out with her siblings. That was interesting...enough said. (although I will note, for my own future reference, that I got serverely pissed off at Pedro).

I had alot of weird dreams, which unfortunately, I don't remember anymore, but I'm sure they probably meant something. In one of them, I got a 40% on my history test (NOOOOOO!!!!!) I'm so nervous about that!!! I wonder when my Algebra test is...gee...I never go anymore. Maybe this break will leave me rejuvinated and I will be ready to attent my classes faithfully and keep up with all my work.

Ya...Right

Classes on Penmanship

It would be great if when professors tore your work apart, the scribbles they use to express their advise was legible. I understand that many have 150 or more papers to read through, but helpful comments are hardly helpful when you can't read them

PS I still hate my English teacher!! But I WIN!!! FUCKER!!!

The other day, he was going around telling people things he thought they should do differently on their research papers, and I hadn't turned in a proposal. I knew he was gonna yell at me, but I had it printed, I just forgot to get it. To be honest, I'm sure he would have had no problem with me going back to the dorm to get it, but that would not be cool because I knew I still hadn't done it correctly (due to the fact that fuck face sent me a very UNHELPFUL response when I emailed him asking for guidelines on how to format it in accordance to his precise standards). Instead, when he approached me and asked whether I had brought it, I said, without even looking at him, "No, I forgot it in my room, and I was going to ask you if I could go get it, but I didn't figure you'd let me anyway." I heard him sigh in the way that adults do when they give up a child, deeming them unreachable. "Well then I'm not even going to talk to you about it." he grumbled, as if I was supossed to be heart broken or something. That's what I wanted.
It really is unfortunate that he is such a dickweed, because he seemed so nice otherwise. I thought he actually liked me (as a student and nothing more, just for clarification) at the begining of the year. That is, until I gave up on beating Athena and just let her be a long-winded, annoying presenter when asked even the simplest question.*****Now I just sit there and pointedly roll my eyes whenever she opens her mouth. It really does suck, though, because it's not like me to hate English, and he's making me do just that. Also, I had wanted to learn HTML, and we are doing that at the end of the term, and I'm still gonna hate him. Ha...I can use what he teaches us against him. I'll revamp my site and include all kinds of rude things poking fun at him.

*****Here is a made up example of why Athena is a long-winded, annoying presenter when asked even the simplest question:

Teacher: What color is an apple?
Athena (using tons of hand and arm gestures): Well, I believe that it really depends upon the type of apple you are talking about. If it is the kind which is the same color of a firetruck, for example, then that would make it, obviously, a red apple. However, if the apple you're talking about is the same color as the grass, then it would be a green apple. (while you're imagining this, please add in long pauses at awkward places, as well as stupid smiles and giggles that are completely unprovoked).
After all this, she may or may not turn to her group members (who were also addressed when the question was asked) and ask 'What do you guys think?"

Lettuce, Anyone?

So the other day, I'm downstairs in Christina's room with her, and suddenly, Terry comes down with a big bowl, munching on something. He just stands there for a bit, allowing us to finish our conversation before he thrusts the bowl into Christina's face. "Lettuce, anyone?" he askes. Christina and I both crack up and fall onto the bed. The bowl was, of course, full of lettuce. What possessed him to fill a bowl with lettuce, then come downstairs and offer us some out of freaking nowhere is beyond me, but this type of unpredictable behavior is why I love him. What makes a situation like this funnier is when someone does something so unexpected and they just continue on with their lives like it's nothing. He stood there watching us howl with laugher as he shoved more lettuce into his mouth. When I finally was able to stand up, I turned to have the bowl shoved in my own face. Then, to top it all off, when we three marched upstairs, Terry leading the way, I hear his mom say "Terry, you weren't eating my lettuce, were you??"

Dumb People Are Always Blissfully Unaware Of How Dumb They Really Are

The best episode of SpongeBob SquarePants is the one where Patrick's parents come visit, and Spongebob acts really stupid to make them think that Patrick is smart. They end up thinking that Spongebob is a complete moron, and Patrick really starts laying it on him, isulting him left and right. So Spongebob gets mad and talks to him about it in private, where it seems Patrick forgot all about the plan and thinks Spongebob really is dumb. So to prove he is smart, Spongebob goes and talks to Patricks parents and shows them that he can talk and do math and everything, and they think that Patrick taught him that, and they are so proud of him. Then Squidword shows up with two more adult starfish, saying that they have been at his house all morning asking where Patrick was...it's his real parents. Then the other "parents" are like "Oh ya...we don't have a son!" It's a great plot and lots of funny lines are said.

Random thought:

How annoying it is that a NSU student must park 3 blocks from campus during the state wrestling campionship because people from out of town are taking up all the room (whether it be an actual parking spot or not) in the "Permit Required" sections of the parking lot at NSU!

Didn't Recieve That Memo!!!

Hey! Did you know that if you look at naked women you are no longer able to teach music class???

FUCKING BASTARDS

THERE BETTER BE MORE TO THE STORY THAN WHAT I'VE HEARD, OR I'M GONNA GO BALLISTIC ON THOSE FUCKERS!!

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE MY STUPID ENGLISH TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*STARTS FREAKING OUT AND THROWING THINGS ACROSS THE ROOM* STUPID ASSHOLE GODDAMN FUCKER. AT LEAST I DID MY FUCKING PROPOSAL AND AT LEAST I CAME TO YOUR STUPID CLASS DONT FUCKING YELL AT ME FOR WORKING ON A FUCKING ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT IN ENGLISH CLASS!!!!DOING RESEARCH FOR MY PAPER IS ALOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN DISSCUSSING THOSE STUPID ASS ESSAYS YOU MAKE US READ. YOU TREAT ME LIKE IM SOME RETARD WITH THE MENTALITY OF A 3 YEAR OLD BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF DOING ENGLISH WORK IN FUCKING ENGLISH CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Turn That Frown Upside Down!!

Why do people say that? Besides sounding completely stupid and cliche, it makes no sense. No one actually turns the corners of their mouth down in a frown shape when their upset, and smiling doesn't look like the typical "smiley face" either. In the case of smiley faces, yes, it works. The reverse of one is the other. In the case of *normal* people, not so much.

In any case, how would I go about doing that? I could fake a smile, but how's that gonna help? I would feel ridiculous and wouldn't be able to hold the pose for more than 3 seconds. No, it would be much simpler to hang my whole self upside down, including my so called "frown". Eventually, though, all the blood would rush to my head and it would explode.

Turn that frown upside down!!

Now you've something to think about besides your meaningless existance. Next time someone says that to you, they're either really, really gay, or they want your head to explode. Really makes you feel better, doesn't it?

Question On Growing Up

When you reach a certain age, does the ability to have crushes just disipate, or do adults just hide it better? To me, crushes are necessary. After you fall in love and find the man (or woman) of your dreams, its still exciting to have someone you can worship from afar and giggle to your friends about when the person of your admiration actually talks to you. Love isn't feeling all flustered when a guy looks at you or writing his name with hearts around it on every piece of paper you access. That is stupid, immature idol worship. Love is soooo much deeper than that, and it is an awesome feeling and a lot to handle. However, stupid, immature idol worship is good for the soul.

thoughts

you become what you see
all around you
i learned from the best
how to feel sad
how to make an art of it
how good little blue pills are
so pretty in my hand
they slide down my throat
and fromt hem arise a gas
which floats to my head and
becomes thick, slowing all the thoughts
stopping the worry
i drift off to sleep and for a few hours
i forget my problems

how can i ever grow up
how can i deal with bigger problems
when i cant handle the pittiful ones i have now?
when i have children looking up to me
i cant deal with it like i do
i'll have to change if i'm gonna make it that far
and right now, daniel is worth it
i just hope that never changes

It's A Record For This Year!!!!!

Well, for almost 48 hours, I was happy. Now I wanna kill myself again, but that's just how it goes I guess.

Sick of trying - what's the point

Sick of talking - no one listens

Sick of listening - it's all lies

Sick of thinking - just end up confused

(It's from a song, don't worry)

Remember how I said that Daniel was my reason for wanting to live when I get all upset and crazy? Well what the fuck is my reason for living if he's my reason for being all upset and crazy???

How am I suppossed to live with someone that I love so much??

Fish Use Their Inner Ears To Hear The Future

HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though, I was thinking. Wait, there's more. I'm here to shock and amaze. I would make a horrible fish. Or a great one, depending your perspective. If you've ever browsed the fishing section of your local Wal-mart, you've noticed all the cute, fuzzy, chewy little things they have to catch fish with. If one of those appeared in the water in front of me, I'd be all over it like white on rice. Well actually, rice isn't always white. How about, I'd be all over it like cute on Dr. Dias.

Cammie Dog!

My brother-in-law Brian bought this dog for his lying, greedy, slutbag girlfriend. After he caught her cheating, he took the dog back. Now she's "our" dog!

Katie In Michael's Crib

Michael's mom steals his crib when he's away. She actually slept there all night!

Michael

My precious little godbaby. Ain't he a cutie?? He's about 1 1/2 in this picture.

Daniel and Cammie

I don't know which one is cuter, although Daniel gives better kisses!

My Boyfriend Is A Blonde

A long time ago, in Wal-mart, Daniel decided it would be fun to act like a retard. I mean, a real, clinical retard. He talked like Doofy on Scary Movie and everything. He even went as far as to call me "Cindy". Very loudly. He chased me around saying in a dopey voice things like "Cind...you wanna have sex? I know where it goes!" The last sentence ended up a popular quote which I remind him of quite alot. A bit more recently, I asked him, "So, where DOES it go?"
Daniel *with Doofy voice*: Your nose?
Me: No.
Daniel: Your eye?
Me: No.
Daniel: Your ear?
Me: No.
Daniel: MY ear?
Me: LOL


Ya. It was great.

Yesterday he was writing on me with a permanent marker. It a moment of brilliance, he figured out the answer to the question and wrote, for future reference, in a place you cannot see when I'm wearing a bathing suit, "Insert Here" with an arrow.........

Thoughts run through my head faster than lighting through the atmosphere. So fast that I don't know what they are. All I know is that they make my throat feel like its closing up. They make my eyes and nose fill up with moisture till they overflow and flood my face and the sleeve of my shirt which I use to cover my ugly face. No one looks good when they are bawling like there's no end. That's it. No more. Felicia will be home soon. Can't let her see me like this.No. Can't. My shoes, my coat...what pulls me to remember them I don't know. My keys, my phone...no..no one will call. I grab my notebook. The one that contains all my thoughts. Things I should really tear out and burn. Outside into the cold. Where to go...I haven't got a place. No niche where I can sit and think. Think and write. Write and release. Calm down. I sniffle and walk. Walk and shiver. Good thing I remembered my coat. And shoes. For some odd reason, I want to call Dias. For some reason, I think he would understand. Strange how you sometimes can find comfort only in strangers. I know so many who's lives are flinging poo at them left and right. Mine is handing me boxes of chocolates and fuzzy things, and I am still unhappy. Why? WHYWHYWHYWHY? I love my friends, I like my school, I LOVE my fiance. I love life. I can't think of one thing that brings me so much pain. So where does it come from? Not knowing scares me. Fear scares me. I freak out. When I freak out, nothing makes sense. It's all a blur and I'm lost. Please come find me. Please, take me home. Take me back to my house, my room, my bed, and bury me under alot of blankets and fuzzy animals. A cat would be nice. Play some Hal Ketchum and let me pretend I'm 7 years old. My gramma and Roo and Bug are with me, and my dad is telling me to clean my room. And I'm gonna listen this time...I have to go call my dad.

LECARNUM INFLAMARE

In our dorms, we aren't allowed to have candles in our rooms because they are afraid that we might start a fire.

However...there's no rules against lighters, or against hand sanitizer.


Did you know that the alcohol found in hand sanitizer and perfume is extremely flamable?

It's good time :)

Daniel, You Are My Sunshine

In 60-80 years, I will be dead. That is inevitable. Between now and then, I am "supossed to" complete schooling, get a job, become financailly stable, and blah blah blah. What for? No matter how successful you are, or which park bench you sleep on at night, you are still going to die. Maybe tomorow, maybe next century.
When I am feeling really down, I wonder what point there is in going through the motions of daily live, upsetting myself and others in the process and boring myself with the same old routine. "Life isn't fair." "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to." "No pain, no gain." What's the point of hurting yourself emotoinally or physically for something that won't matter after your passing? What's the point in anything?
This life is just a game. We gain skill points. We collect pieces of paper and small coins which are believed to have some sort of monetary value. These objects are traded for other objects which are supossed to make us happy. We interact with the other players and decide whethere we like them and how we will treat them. We decieve, love, and hate each other, and in the end, it makes no difference. The game ends, whether we win or lose, and it is disputed whether or not there is a "Play Again?" option. But then, would you really want to? Depending my mood, I may or may not. Just like with a game, I get bored of life. When you are deep in a hole of dispare, you're not likely to see the light from the sun, and once you reach a certain depth, you stop looking for it.
But sometimes, the light comes looking for you. Whenever I go home for the weekend, my sunshine finds me. His name is Daniel, and without him, I would have nothing hopeful to think of during those dark, dark times which are occuring more and more often. The prospect of spending the rest of my days with him and raising beautiful children that are born of our love and that will live on after we are both gone, that is something that I WANT to do. I'm going to school so I can get a good job that I will enjoy, and therefore not get fired from, so that I can provide for my family. I am not doing it to win at the game of life, because, frankly, I never was very competetive.

I've A Question For You, Adam.

Why are moose called moose when they don't moo? Cows moo. Shouldn't cows be called "moose".

Ron/Harry

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter

unfortunately, I don't know who drew this picture, only that I didn't.

Lately, I have been oddly obsessed with the idea of Ron and Harry being...Well...Better friends than they are now. Before you try putting me back in my tree, I must point out that I am not alone in this. There are hundreds of fanfics detailing fantasies of this and other bizarre pairings from the books.

Notice, please that while I could have posted a very scandalous picture (trust there are a few) I chose this simple, innocent one. For any homophobes, the giddiness of puppy love illustrated in this picture either sickens or alludes completely. I personally think it is just so damn cute! Casually feeling that special someone wrap their arms around you from behind while you stand in mid breath, savoring the moment...Such a beautiful feeling, and I love that my two best friends can feel it with each other.

What's Your Problem?

I finally figured out what mine is.
I'm suffering from depression. And homesickness.

I am so tired of crying. I'm so tired of this constant feeling that everything I care about is slipping away, when I know it's not. I'm tired of riding this emotional rollercoaster alone. At school, I learned to disguise my sadness by masking it with anger. Instead of being an emotional mudpuddle, I am now an irritable bitch. I don't like making people mad at me, but what can I do? I don't feel comfortable talking to them about why I cry myself to sleep, or why I skip class so much.
At home, no one knows anything is wrong. This isn't because I hide it, because to be honest, trying to hide my feelings is like trying to hide the cuts on my wrist. I almost can when I try, but it's very suspicios, and the moment I let down my gaurd, they're completely visible, and difficult for me to explain. At home, I appear happy, because I truely am happy. I would rather be stuck in Daniel's house, fighting with him, then 2 hours away, missing him terribly. I would rather be at home, bored as hell, than here, surrounded by people. It is uber important that I finish college, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Me at school:
withdrawn
socially isolated
visibly irritated at the presence of other people
bitchy at people who are "intruding" on my life (which just means they knocked on my door or called without my permission)

Me at home:
social butterfly
talking to everyone
always laughing
acting stupid for laughs

Do you see the difference? I have nothing against my school, nor the people in it. To be honest, I love this place and I love my friends. But for some reason, lately I have been irritated at anyone who stops by, calls, or says "hi" without my prior consent. I cry a lot when I'm here. I feel like I have no one here to talk to. I mean, there's loads I can talk to about whatever, but feelings, emotions...There is no one who cares. I know this isn't true; Mal and Stacy both will listen, offer advise, and be great friends when I need them. Yet I push them away as well.

My Loyalty Will Lie With Those Who Care
In high school, I had loads of people I talked to on a regular basis. 90% of them said over and over that they would miss me after graduation, and that they were worried I would forget them. Only 3 people from my whole class care enough to keep in touch, and there are only a couple others from the whole damn school who occasionally send a phone message or an impersonal e-mail forward. I tried to keep in touch, giving everyone my cell number, my new e-mail address, this blog address...No one seems to care. Only when I send a lengthy e-mail to someone do I manage to get a couple lines in return. ITS PATHETIC! Don't forget the little people...fuck you. THEY DON'T REMEMBER ME.

My TRUE friends, who call me, who listen to my problems, and who I still care about, are:
Crystal
Tyler
Roy
Katie

For everyone else, after I get over the shock that you really DO read my blog on a regular basis, I would LOVE to get a note...Let me know how your doing, let me know how classes are going, anything. I need to know that you still care.

I'm sorry for laying all this on you. I'm just proud, because even though it is evident that I have a problem, at least I have identified it.

Harry Potter Obsession

**If you're wondering why this post keeps appearing at the top of the list, it's because I keep adding things to it.**

When Harry Potter first came into being, all the hype turned me off of it. Felicia fored me to watch The Sorcerer's Stone on night, and now I'm all but obsessed. Those of you who know me well understand that obsession is something I tend to refrain from (Ya freaking right!). There are several sites which list symptoms of Harry Potter Obsession, but I couldn't really find the ones I was looking for, and so I just made my own list. Keep in mind that all of these do apply to me:

You Might Be Obsessed With Harry Potter If:
*You skip class (on a regular basis) to watch/read HP
*You have a crush on one (or three) of the characters
*You have HP posters on your wall
*You see an owl two nights in a row and get anxious that he could have your letter from Hogwarts
*You think your school is Hogwarts
*You belong to Hogwarts Online
*You use a silly british accent just so you can sound like the characters
*You set your answering machine to say you can't come to the phone because spiders are making you tapdance
*You freak out because a guy at your school looks like Harry
*You are all bummed out because your DVD player doesn't work and you haven't seen a HP movie in a whole week
*You repeatedly have to remind yourself that HP is not real
*You attempt to use spells/charms in every day life (and get frustrated when they don't work)
*After a session of reading a HP book, you long to go hang out with your friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione. (And Draco ^*^sigh^*^)
*You feel ashamed when you find out that Lucious Malfoy is a Death Eater. He was your future father-in-law!
*When you go to a dance at your school, you more than once grab your cell phone, thinking that you will call Ron and Harry to come hang out with you.
*You fall asleep clutching your precious HP book with your "wand" laying near by.

*When you see the actors from the movie in other films, you think things like "Wow. I never knew Professor Lupin was an actor. Tomorow in Dark Arts I'll tell him that I saw him play in Gangster Number 1."

Female Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..."

Senior Moments

Although I could definitely see me and my peers doing this one.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Warning: Not For Those With Intelligence!

My friend found this, erm, video, at www.liquidgeneration.com
I must say that it is the most RIDIKULUS thing I have ever seen!!!!!! It's completely mental. Honestly! The blokes who came up with this must have been on some fucked up acid trip or something.

So I have provided you with the link. Enjoy. :)

Click Here For Ultimate Stupidity
Actually, I'd prefer you right-click and Open in a New Window to ensure that you are able to finish looking at my site :)

My Jackass Brother

This is my "brother", Tyler, at StorybookLand here in Aberdeen. He came up to visit me a couple months ago and he, Felicia, and I went to one of the few free things in town. If you haven't been there, it is basically a tribute to the great nursery rhymes and Disney classics we all know and love. There are statues, fun-houses, slides, and the large hill from "Jack and Jill" (which Felicia and I had a grand time rolling down). It was actually on that hill where he found his...ahh...ears.

Tisk tisk!! Taking advantage of poor Snow White. Don't you think she endures enough chauvinistic pig-ishness from the Dwarves? Honestly!!

I actually have another shot of him looking under Dorothy's (from The Wizard of Oz) skirt...

Here's another great shot of Tyler. All three of us had a blast with these cut-outs.

NEW AND IMPROVED

How can anything really be both? If it's new, it means there was nothing before it. If it's improved, it is an improvement of something before it.

In any case, I just spent a good 5 hours re-doing my tripod site. I added photos directly to the site, changed the layout, and added some of my poetry. PUH-PUH-PUH PLEEEEEZZZEEE go look at it, and let me know what you think!

Daniel And The Pile Of Ducks

I don't know if I ever mentioned the story behind this picture before on here...I know it's on my Tripod photo album, and the actual quote is on my Tripod site on the quotes page, though. Anyway, here's how it goes:


I was out shopping with Stacy when I get a call from Daniel. He had been out hunting and he had fallen through the ice. While I was worried about if he was OK and telling him how scared I would have been, he tells me that he was only pissed 'cuz when the ice cracked he scared up a "pile of ducks".

Can Your Hear Me Now?

Back home, adequate cell phone reception is a luxury. I am so grateful to be living in a bigger town that actually has towers. The unfortunate part is that all my friends back home are lacking service and so my conversations with them are still teeming with "Huh"? "What"?
Today, I actually made use of this situation. I was talking to Christina (she may have been talking back...I couldn't tell) and for some reason I started going off and saying weird shit like "Are you my conscience"? I heard some mumble of response clouded by excessive static and moments of complete silence. To this, I responded "You must be my conscience 'cuz you're really fuzzy and sometimes you disappear completely." I heard unmistakable bouts of laughter through the phone, and only then did I realize how terribly witty that was. *bows* Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Wasted Weekend

The first weekend after coming back to school turned out to be a three day weekend due to Martin Luther King Jr. Day. After a week full of homework assignments, the efficient scholar would have, of course, set out to do it all Friday and Saturday in order to have Sunday and Monday to enjoy at their leisure.
Not me. Felicia and I literally followed this schedule all three days:

10:00 am Wake up
Play Sims
12:00 pm Eat dinner in Student Center
1:00 Play Sims
5:00 Eat Supper
6:00 Play Sims
6:00 am Go to bed

(Notice the grueling 12 hours of strain on our finger ligaments due to the overload of mouse clicking. That's the mark of determination.)

For those of you who have never played, The Sims is a great game if you've ever dreamed of taking over the universe, or at least a small town. The actual idea is to get a job, get promotions, and build yourself up. You have to gain points in various areas of your personality as well as make friendships, in order to achieve greatness. With the discovery of the cheat code to give you unlimited funds, there is really no point in us following that route. Instead, we had fun making homosexual couples make out and sticking people into boxes with only a chair (which we eventually removed) and seeing how long they would survive. As far as the sexual mischief, it was greatly increased when Felicia discovered a download which allowed for much more "intimate relations." For the characters we actually planned on caring about, we created ourselves and our friends. I'm working on making a miniature Hogwarts. Of course, if I had the "Makin' Magic" expansion pack, that would be much easier.
Of course, we didn't spend the whole weekend drooling and staring at the screen. We also stapled, punctured, glued, and set ablaze everything we could get our hands on without getting up (including my towel, which I'm not too happy about). I actually have a burn on my hand because I lit a piece of masking tape on fire and when I hurriedly blew it out, it got me. I had the gluey stuff on my finger for awhile.
Speaking of masking tape...I was taping everything. I covered my computer, my desk drawer, my head, Stacy's wrist, and, eventually, the roll of tape, with tape. That last one was an attempt to keep me from wasting further resources. At one point before that, I was kicked out of my computer chair and took to writing out "Expecto Patronum!" on the side of my bed.
And after all that, I actually managed to get my homework done for my classes today!

Retarded Cows

A common misunderstanding, I'm sure......

....but I have recently been informed by Daniel that the government wants to close the border between the USA and Canada because the retarded cows keep coming to America (mad cow disease).

Oh boy....

Name Change

As you can tell, (if you pay attention), I have changed my name as well as the name of this site. The address is still the same though.

My name is now Sakura Malfoy *smile*

My Old Blog Site

Here is a blog I was keeping about a year or so ago. I completely forgot about it and it was pretty damn amusing, even for me, and I wrote it!! So anyway, go take a look at it.

www.petthechicken.blogspot.com

Alarm Cocks

Last night, at like 2 in the morning, Felicia was saying something about her alarm clock. However, in her sleepy speech, she left out the "l". Alarm cock. Hmmm...not an altogether bad idea.

Back to Hogwarts

Christmas break is over, and I am presently seated in front of my shitty old computer in room 304 of Northern State University. Or, as I like to call it, Hogwarts. The only reason I came back for the second semester was because I had somehow convinced myself it really was the famous wizarding school. Classes start tomorow, and I am sooo not ready. I still have all my stuff out in my car, as does Felicia (in her car, mind you) and I have to prepare my bookbag for tomorow's scheduel. I also have to make me a nice little scheduel so that I may actually go to my classes this time around. Despite my many late turn-ins of major assignments and my absense from nearly all classes the last couple weeks of school, I managed to pull off two C's and three A's. Everyone back home was so damn proud of me. I was just happy I passed the two I did worst in. Anyhow, I will shortly be starting up a new line-up of new, and more challenging, classes. Damn...I'm gonna actually have to try now!!

Maybe He Ought To See A Mechanic...

My fiance is so very odd. Like a week or so ago, we were laying there in bed and, after a time in which I thought he was sleeping, he said, in sort of a disoriented sort of way, "I can't find my keys, my drive shaft is broken, and I can't fix anything." I figured that he was just waking up from a dream, and talking nonsense, so I just kinda laughed at him and and was like "What?" He repeated the sentence again, more convincingly this time, almost exasperated. "Hunny, I think you need to go back to sleep." I told him. "No, I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom." he said, jumping up.

Days later, I brought that night up to him again, hoping he would explain the dream that brought him to say such things in the middle of the night. Instead, he simple repeated it once more, looking as though he thought me dense to not have understood the first time. "But you weren't in a car. You were laying in bed!" I exclaimed. "Well, ya...That was my first predicament."

A couple days ago, as we were driving past a pasture containing several cows, he showed his brilliance again. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure that we were passing a pasture containing cows. That is my assumption. With Daniel, though, who knows. Anyway, following the sight of the cows, presumably, he says "You know what, if I was a cow...Well you know how they can't feel electric fences very much, like its only a tingle to them, well if I was a cow, I'd slap my dick up on the fence and be like ooooooohhhh moooooooo moooooooo ahhhhhhh moooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! And then, if you were a cow, too, you could say 'Yup, that's my boyfriend getting' off on the electric fence."