You know, I really don't feel that way at the moment. I mean, I did for several weeks. I honestly don't recall right off hand if I ever properly blogged about it or not, but in any case, I certainly don't feel up to it at the moment. The feeling hasn't gone away, mind you, it's just been shoved under the couch for the time being. I am actually quite happy right now. Well, maybe happy isn't the right word. Sad? Is that better? Maybe..it's complicated.
To attempt to clarify, I am looking at starting my 3rd year of college in the fall, and I am finally starting to talk to the people that I had always wanted to be friends with. I am finally being outgoing. I am finally going places rather than just sitting around waiting for fun to find me. And in top of that, alot of my friends, both old and newly aquired, will not be on campus next year for various reasons. It's sad, really. And then, there's a few people who all year, I wanted to get to know them. And now, in the last couple weeks of school, I'm finally starting to talk to them. I made plans to switch to a different dormitory to be around my new friends, and now alot of them are leaving. A few of these people whom I just got the balls to befriend are now changing schools. It was just like that in High School, too. As soon as I got the guts to talk to so-and-so, they graduated or moved away. *deep sigh*
I suppose I really shouldn't be all that hung up about it...I mean really, are those people even going to think about me in a few years? Doubtful. And realistically, I will move on, and the inevitable sense of emptiness will fill back up with new friends. And in the end, what matters in my life is my future family. All the little things that matter now, gaining the attention of an attractive guy, making friends with a cool girl, and a handful of other insignificant things, they just don't matter.
What do I really want out of my college experience? I want to enjoy myself. I want to earn a degree in Elementary Education. I want to keep the friends that I have while meeting new ones along the way. I want to be myself (once i figure out who that is...)...
Bah. I'm on the verge of getting into it again. (Shuttup, Jaymz...no one wants to hear you ramble). Fine. I'll make it short.Well, every day is a chance to make improvements, and while I see the changes I would like to make, and I am aware of what I stand to lose if those changes are not made, I lack the motivation. (Well you're a fuckin' moron, then, because at the rate you're going, the only way you will understand the consequences of not becoming motivated, is to lose it all, and at that point, it will be too late.) I know! I KNOW, OK??
Well I would love to say that this summer, and next school year, will be different. I would love to say that I am ready to grow up, ready to accept responsibilities, and ready to do what I deem necessary for my continued existance. But the truth is that I have no hope at this point.
So back to what I was saying before...I am definately saddened by several things, most of all by the tangled web I weave, and moreso by my tendancy to keep it tangled just enough to make my life interesting enough to continue participating in. But I blame no one but myself for that. Now for the reason that I said I was happy. Well, I'm not sure. I just am. Perhaps it's because it's the last week of school and (I'm not going to say what you're expecting, so keep reading) I am dreading the summer. I think that since I know that this is the last week in Aberdeen, the last time in three months (or forever) that I will see most of my friends, I am inadvertabtly disallowing myself to be sad (besides the other day in Subway when I nearly broke down in tears because I was going to miss Stacy so much).
---------3.5 hours later---------
OK...wow...I have to be honest here, cuz I don't know what else to do. It is now 2:00 AM and I have no freakin' clue what I was doing for the last 3 and a half hours, but somehow I forgot about this post! So I guess I'm done with whatever I was talking about....
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