Ponderings of One Depressed Muggle

I realize, as I sit here amongst my things in my dorm room, that I have no life. I go from day to day with no purpose, no meaning. I am irritated at everyone, every thing. I no longer attend my classes. They are of no use to me. College is just tests and essays, the time between merely filler. As long as I get them done and show up to hand them in, that's all that matters. Of course, the problem of procrastination has made even that a little stressful. Luckily, I have managed it well so far, making perfect marks on all my essays and speeches, despite the fact they were prepared the night before and/or the morning of. When I think about it, college is much different than high school. I have prepared a little chart for you as a visual:

High School
7 straight hours of learning fun
same 6 or so classes daily
one predecided meal each day
study halls must be spent studying, or at least being quiet
a no-show to class provokes a call home
daily homework leading up to test



College
a couple scattered classes each day
each class only meets two or three times a week
a variety of foods similar to those in your favorite restaurants
time between classes can be spent however you like
professors hardly notice if you're absent
tests and essays are the only grades

I much prefer how college works to high school's regimen. However, I think I am becoming dearly homesick. I'm not sure what my problem is, but whenever I'm here, I feel agitated and depressed. When I go home, even when I'm bored or unhappy, it feels better than being here. My friends up here are great, so its not their fault. I must just be homesick. I dunno...I really miss all the people I talked to in high school. I barely see any of them anymore, although they make as little effort to keep in touch as I do. I miss not knowing what's going on back home, too. Over thanksgiving and over my birthday, I went home and I instantly fell back in to the state of mind I was in 6 months ago. It didn't seem as though I had ever left. It saddens me to know that our comfort zone is still there, without me, with the inhabitants not even realizing how precious it it.

For the last week I have been so confused and depressed. I don't know who all reads this, so I wont get into detail, but ya, it sucks. I think I really need Christmas vacation to stay home and be with all my old friends, and then I will feel better...but then I won't want to come back here. This fucking sucks. In some ways I love being here, but in others I dont. I was happy at first, because I didnt have to worry about everything going on at home (by that I mean with all my old friends). I was here, starting over, and I could make a new group of friends, a new life. And at first, when I went home, I missed mycollege people. But now, I'm jsut annoyed. I'm remembering everything about home in a positive light now, and I desperately want to be a part of the next chapter. At the same time, though, being a part of it also means getting pulled down by the bad things, and it's nice to be able to escape that part. If only there were some way to be a part of both and ignore both simultaniously. But I'm pretty sure that's not posible, and I'm pretty sure that I have way too much more to say to type it all, so I am just going to quit right now.