What's Your Problem?

I finally figured out what mine is.
I'm suffering from depression. And homesickness.

I am so tired of crying. I'm so tired of this constant feeling that everything I care about is slipping away, when I know it's not. I'm tired of riding this emotional rollercoaster alone. At school, I learned to disguise my sadness by masking it with anger. Instead of being an emotional mudpuddle, I am now an irritable bitch. I don't like making people mad at me, but what can I do? I don't feel comfortable talking to them about why I cry myself to sleep, or why I skip class so much.
At home, no one knows anything is wrong. This isn't because I hide it, because to be honest, trying to hide my feelings is like trying to hide the cuts on my wrist. I almost can when I try, but it's very suspicios, and the moment I let down my gaurd, they're completely visible, and difficult for me to explain. At home, I appear happy, because I truely am happy. I would rather be stuck in Daniel's house, fighting with him, then 2 hours away, missing him terribly. I would rather be at home, bored as hell, than here, surrounded by people. It is uber important that I finish college, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Me at school:
withdrawn
socially isolated
visibly irritated at the presence of other people
bitchy at people who are "intruding" on my life (which just means they knocked on my door or called without my permission)

Me at home:
social butterfly
talking to everyone
always laughing
acting stupid for laughs

Do you see the difference? I have nothing against my school, nor the people in it. To be honest, I love this place and I love my friends. But for some reason, lately I have been irritated at anyone who stops by, calls, or says "hi" without my prior consent. I cry a lot when I'm here. I feel like I have no one here to talk to. I mean, there's loads I can talk to about whatever, but feelings, emotions...There is no one who cares. I know this isn't true; Mal and Stacy both will listen, offer advise, and be great friends when I need them. Yet I push them away as well.

My Loyalty Will Lie With Those Who Care
In high school, I had loads of people I talked to on a regular basis. 90% of them said over and over that they would miss me after graduation, and that they were worried I would forget them. Only 3 people from my whole class care enough to keep in touch, and there are only a couple others from the whole damn school who occasionally send a phone message or an impersonal e-mail forward. I tried to keep in touch, giving everyone my cell number, my new e-mail address, this blog address...No one seems to care. Only when I send a lengthy e-mail to someone do I manage to get a couple lines in return. ITS PATHETIC! Don't forget the little people...fuck you. THEY DON'T REMEMBER ME.

My TRUE friends, who call me, who listen to my problems, and who I still care about, are:
Crystal
Tyler
Roy
Katie

For everyone else, after I get over the shock that you really DO read my blog on a regular basis, I would LOVE to get a note...Let me know how your doing, let me know how classes are going, anything. I need to know that you still care.

I'm sorry for laying all this on you. I'm just proud, because even though it is evident that I have a problem, at least I have identified it.