I'm too depressed to think of a title

My father died on June 16th. I don't really know what to say. This isnt because Im numb. I got past that. Now I just have so many things going through my mind that I dont know where to start. I just cant believe he's gone. I keep replaying the moment of his death over and over in my mind until I'm convinced that if I could go back to that moment I could stop it from happening. Its so clear. I was shaking uncontrollably as I ran my fingers through his hair. I kept telling him that I love him, and I told him to tell mommy and grandma 'hi' for me when he got to Heaven. Then his eyes stopped moving around and I looked up at the doctor and the nurse. They looked at me with practiced sympathy. "Sorry for your loss" they said. And I accepted it. That's where I went wrong. Even though I can't accept it now, at that point, I did. I hated the idea that he was gone, but I believed them. I cried and cried, but I didn't argue. I suppose that freaking out and calling them liars and throwing myself onto my dad's chest and yelling at him not to go wouldnt really have changed anything, but how do I really know that it wouldnt?

He never knew how much I loved him. He never knew what I really though of him. I thought he was a genius. I thought he was adorable. I thought he was a great parent. He knew everything. He was so talented. He was accepting. He was tolerant. He was tough. He was confident.

He also never knew that for the last few years, I thought about him alot. I couldnt leave without worrying about whether he would be OK. He never knew that I freaked out whenever he didnt answer the phone, even if I knew he was probably just having coffee at the cafe. He never knew that if I was comming home from Watertown and I saw an ambulance, I would call him to make sure that it wasnt him in it.

He probably thought that I didnt care about him at all. For me, it was just like when my grandma got sick. I didnt like to visit her because I couldnt handle seeing her like that. I wanted to remember her, and now him, as they were before. When they could walk, talk, laugh, and enjoy life.

I keep dreaming about him almost every night. Nothing specail really, just that he is still alive. In the dreams, I always wonder why he isn't gone, but I never asked him. Not until the last dream that I had. It was a few nights ago. I asked him why he was here even though I had seen him pass away. He told me that he had died, but that he asked if he could come back to see his two daughters. (Crystal, my best friend, was like a daughter to him, and she and I were both with him when he died) That dream gives me goosebumps.

I dont know what else to say except that I am hurting.

The Second Hardest Day Of My Life Is Finally Over

My father's funeral service was yesterday. Just as it was about to start, I told Daniel that I was leaving and that he should call me when it was over. But I didn't leave, of course. It was hard to sit there, but I think it really helped me. The flowers were beautiful. The chapel was small, and not intimidating. The place was packed. Alot of my friends showed up, not only to support me, but because they cared about my dad, too. The pastor was a friend of my dad's, and I was really glad that he could be there. When he started crying, I suddenly felt a strong bond with him. After the service, he kept hugging me and wouldn't let me go. I needed that. j

After spending the last week going through various stages of grief, sometimes all at the same time, I finally feel a little closure. I feel a little more at peace now.

The Best Time To Get Their Money Is When The Tears Are Still In Their Eyes

The title of this post is an actual quote from a funeral director that my uncle knew. I dislike funeral directors. Sure, they are trained to do anything for you and act really sincere and sympathetic. But anyone would do that if they were getting thousands of dollars from you. How can anyone with a heart sleep at night when during the day they are manipulating money out of the pockets of poor souls in the midst of mourning? Its ridiculous! You should have seen me when I left the building after we met with him. I was pissed! Everyone dies. Its inevitable. And when a loved one dies, those that remain are having their hearts ripped out of them and drowning in a sea of depression, and all the funeral home cares about is using it to their advantage so that they can get away with charging outrageous prices. It's sickening.

How Cruel Is Fate?? Cruel Enough To Take My Father From Me Right Before Father's Day...

Standing by his hospital bed in his last few moments, I was shaking so uncontrollably. I hate the feeling you get when someone has passed on. I am no stranger to saddness. I cry alot; at least once a week, usually more. But the difference is that most of the things that plague my mind are reversable. Changable. Temporary. Death is one of those things that are so definate. With most things, my mind runs itself in circles trying to figure out what needs to be done to make things right, and how unlikely it is that I will ever do those things. I can usually peg my problems on myself, knowing that I brought the problems on myself, at least partially. Its depressing, but at the same time, I find comfort in knowing why it happened. But this - this wasn't my fault. This just happened. So I don't know what to think. And there is no way to change it. I felt - I feel - so helpless.

Update On Summer 2006

Sorry that I haven't been blogging lately. In fact, I'm not blogging right now. I cheated. I wrote a letter to one of my friends, and after realizing that it basically contained everything that I would want to blog about, I decided to just include an excerpt from it here. Ta-da!

I have been so busy lately! I've been working, studying for the PPST, and on top of that, I just got back from the Black Hills.

Work has been interesting. There is a while new crop of girls working there now, but the awesome thing is that I get along with them really well. Today was a little interesting, though. I went to go clean one of the rooms, and I knocked a few times, said "housekeeping" a few times, opened the door, and called out again to make sure there was no one in the room before barging in. No one said anything, but when I opened the door, there was a 50 year old man, naked in the hot tub! He was completely calm, and told me that he didn't need anything. I talked to the lady at the front desk, and she said that he is just weird like that. She said that he does that to every one of the housekeepers, and that when he does answer the door, he is usually naked. Why couldn't he be younger?? *pout* I was a little upset the other day, though. See, there are 3 vacuums on the 2nd floor, and last summer, I named one of them Collin. I didn't get to use Collin the last two times that I worked. Sad.

The PPST. Remember, that was the test that I needed to pass before I could be a Junior? Well I took it on Saturday, and it was uber easy. No problem!! I'm so relieved!! So now I just have to wait for the scores to be sent to the school so that I can register for the classes I need to take (they wouldn't let me register until I pass the test).

What else. Oh yes, the Black Hills. That was amazing. Daniel and i spent 4 days in a hotel in Keystone. Well, actually, we were hardly ever in the hotel except to sleep. We took over 100 pictures while we were on vacation. We saw Mt Rushmore, of course, but that wasn't all the exciting to me. My favorite part of the trip was Keystone itself. Our hotel was right around the corner from this cute little boardwalk and street with gift stores and little resteraunts on each side. It was so pretty! I loved the llittle cafes with outside dinning areas. And there were horse drawn carraiges and everyone else was walking. There was hardly any cars! And on each side of the street was the side of the hills. The trees and rocks were so beautiful. We went on Needles Highway and Iron Mountain Road. Basically, its a scenic drive that takes a couple hours because you have to go so slowly. The road winds around in the mountains and takes you way up high. The turns are so tight that you have to go 10 miles per hour, and there are places with only enough room for one vehicle. There are so many places that you could just fall off! There are a bunch of tunnels through the rocks that we could barely fit the truck through! Near the end of Iron Mountain Road, we saw a huge herd of wild buffalo. There was easlily 100 of them, or maybe 200! They were just walking accross the road. And there were donkeys!!! (Donkeys = lurve). One of them just walked up to the truck and stuck its head in. It was like "Well, HI!!". *smile*

We went to alot of "tourist traps", too. There was a scenic chairlift thinger. It takes you way up high above the trees and gives you a great view. Too bad that I'm very afraid of heights. What else did we do? Hmm...We toured a cave. That was pretty, butI'm kind of claustrophobic, too. We went to Bear Country USA. That's this really pretty drive-thru wildlife park. There are bears, wolves, tigers, mountain goats, sheep, and lots of other animals just roaming around freely. You just pay to enter and drive on the path. There was a bear that kept pacing on the path. There was only enough time for one car to go in between each pace. Everyone got a good picture of him, though! Another really neat place was Cosmos. Its a place up in the hills that has a gravitational vortex inside of a cabin. All the trees bend in toward the cabin, and its hard as heck to walk around inside it. Our tour guide showed us a few neat demonstrations, such as a ball rolling uphill, standing on the wall, and two people changing their height while moving around on a level surface. The inside of the cabin made me feel so weird. Everyone had to stand crooked just to keep their balance. It was great. Oh! And we went to a blacklight mini golf course. It looked so cool! It was indoors and there were murals on all of the walls, one for the 1950's, the 1960's and so on.

Hmmm...well I think thats all I have to say right now.

Haha..

You know how sometimes, kids will see that there older brothers, sisters, or parents have cell phones, they will want one, too. So you give them a fake one, or an old one that doesnt work anymore, and let them pretend. Well, when the kid is 5 years old, its cute. When they're 15...it's freakin hilarius.

And You All Think We Are Dorks Now!

Traci Novy. My best friend in middle school and high school. Hadn't seen her in two years until this last week. She moved to Denver, but she was back around these parts for graduation. I spent all day yesterday with her...we looked through some old photo albums. That was great fun.

And the highlight of the night?

Well, back in 2000, when we were in like, 8th grade, she stayed at my house and we "had fun with daddy's new video camera".

Lmao...I just had to say it like that...again! (I love when I'm in a room full of people, and I say something without thinking about how its going to sounds...)

So anyways...Traci suddenly remembered that one night long ago, we had spent the night hopped up on Mountain Dew and Lucky Charms, and that we had been messing around with the camera. So we fished out the tape and watched it. Neither of us had any freakin' clue what was on that tape. Maybe we should have preveiwed it before we played it for my dad, Tyler, Crystal, and Roy (who were all present when we decided to watch it). OMG. We were so dorky!!!! It was funny as hell, though.

My Life Is A Pit Of Despair

I am so depressed all the time. All I want to do is sleep...I used to have my dreams for the future to fall back on, but now I don't even care about them. I don't care about anything...Sleep sounds good...I wonder if I would regret not waking up...*ponders*

Hey...You're That Guy That Called Me Stupid!

Jesse had this theory that supossedly would make a terrific ice breaker, as well as cause a stranger to think about you for a few weeks.

"During freshman orientation, you go up to some hot chick and you just look her straight in the eyes and tell her that she is stupid. That's all. Then you leave. She will just keep thinking about you all the time, wondering who you are, and why you called her stupid. So then a few weeks later, you talk to her again and tell her your name, and that you don't think she's stupid anymore."

Interesting...Thing is, it actually works. Sort of. I think. The first time I ever talked to Jonathan, I called him stupid. I'm not sure if he really tought about me at all, but that was our first smigeon of interaction. Then, at a party last week, we started talking again...this time it was either because I was intrigued by the color of his beverage, or else because I was wearing kitty ears. *shrugs* Either way, I'm glad to have met him. Too bad he's moving to Pittsburgh *tear*.

I Have Fallen Off The Treadmill Of Life And Landed On The Scratchy Rug Of Reality Current

You know, I really don't feel that way at the moment. I mean, I did for several weeks. I honestly don't recall right off hand if I ever properly blogged about it or not, but in any case, I certainly don't feel up to it at the moment. The feeling hasn't gone away, mind you, it's just been shoved under the couch for the time being. I am actually quite happy right now. Well, maybe happy isn't the right word. Sad? Is that better? Maybe..it's complicated.

To attempt to clarify, I am looking at starting my 3rd year of college in the fall, and I am finally starting to talk to the people that I had always wanted to be friends with. I am finally being outgoing. I am finally going places rather than just sitting around waiting for fun to find me. And in top of that, alot of my friends, both old and newly aquired, will not be on campus next year for various reasons. It's sad, really. And then, there's a few people who all year, I wanted to get to know them. And now, in the last couple weeks of school, I'm finally starting to talk to them. I made plans to switch to a different dormitory to be around my new friends, and now alot of them are leaving. A few of these people whom I just got the balls to befriend are now changing schools. It was just like that in High School, too. As soon as I got the guts to talk to so-and-so, they graduated or moved away. *deep sigh*

I suppose I really shouldn't be all that hung up about it...I mean really, are those people even going to think about me in a few years? Doubtful. And realistically, I will move on, and the inevitable sense of emptiness will fill back up with new friends. And in the end, what matters in my life is my future family. All the little things that matter now, gaining the attention of an attractive guy, making friends with a cool girl, and a handful of other insignificant things, they just don't matter.

What do I really want out of my college experience? I want to enjoy myself. I want to earn a degree in Elementary Education. I want to keep the friends that I have while meeting new ones along the way. I want to be myself (once i figure out who that is...)...

Bah. I'm on the verge of getting into it again. (Shuttup, Jaymz...no one wants to hear you ramble). Fine. I'll make it short.Well, every day is a chance to make improvements, and while I see the changes I would like to make, and I am aware of what I stand to lose if those changes are not made, I lack the motivation. (Well you're a fuckin' moron, then, because at the rate you're going, the only way you will understand the consequences of not becoming motivated, is to lose it all, and at that point, it will be too late.) I know! I KNOW, OK??

Well I would love to say that this summer, and next school year, will be different. I would love to say that I am ready to grow up, ready to accept responsibilities, and ready to do what I deem necessary for my continued existance. But the truth is that I have no hope at this point.
So back to what I was saying before...I am definately saddened by several things, most of all by the tangled web I weave, and moreso by my tendancy to keep it tangled just enough to make my life interesting enough to continue participating in. But I blame no one but myself for that. Now for the reason that I said I was happy. Well, I'm not sure. I just am. Perhaps it's because it's the last week of school and (I'm not going to say what you're expecting, so keep reading) I am dreading the summer. I think that since I know that this is the last week in Aberdeen, the last time in three months (or forever) that I will see most of my friends, I am inadvertabtly disallowing myself to be sad (besides the other day in Subway when I nearly broke down in tears because I was going to miss Stacy so much).

---------3.5 hours later---------

OK...wow...I have to be honest here, cuz I don't know what else to do. It is now 2:00 AM and I have no freakin' clue what I was doing for the last 3 and a half hours, but somehow I forgot about this post! So I guess I'm done with whatever I was talking about....

The Angelness!!

Angel Marie]x[May 2nd 2006

My brand new little niece person.

It Might Almost Be Easier to Throw All My Stuff Away And Rob Target In The Fall...

So...in two more weeks, it will be time to pack up all my junk from my room and head home for the summer. Besides the unpleasantness of having to pack up several months worth of junk to bring home, theres also the fact that I, myself, will be home. Ugh.

I rather like Aberdeen. Alot. And I like my friends up here. I don't wanna go back and have to live at Daniel's house with his whole freakin' family. I love them, but living there is getting increasingly annoying.

1. Their mom whines around about being a "slave", but she does it to herself! She always insists on making everyones food, doing everyones laundry, doing this and that for everyone. Then she whines about having to do it. Argh.

2. She hates my cat, just cuz its black. Fuckin' racist. She thinks that any time anything gets spilt, knocked over, or unsettled at all, its automatically Trixie's fault. I have seen her cat, Buddy, climb the curtains, climb the windows, knock stuff over, lick the dishes, and do all kinds of stuff. But if mom didn't see it happen, it must have been Trixie.

3. Mom's idea of training the kittens is to tell them, an hour later, what they did wrong. And maybe smack their butt. Erm...its not like a kid. You can't go up to them and be like "rememeber when you did this? that was not nice." You have to punish them immediately, or they wont know what they did wrong. Me and Daniel rarely see Trixie misbehave, cuz she knows what is not OK to do around us. Evidently, she doesn't give a crap what mom thinks, since she's *always* missbehaving around her.

4. I used to feel welcome at Daniel's house. Not so much anymore. And I want to be independent instead of getting waited on all the time, especailly since his mom likes to throw it back in our faces later on. But I don't feel comfortable acting like its my house. I only make my own food and do my own laundry when no one else is home 'cuz that's the only time i feel comfortable. So now, all damn summer, I will be stuck in an unwelcoming house, feeling like I must stay in Daniel's bedroom. Yay for summer...

So I guess that I really got of topic, huh? What I was really planning on going on about is how I don't want to have to pack all this shyt up into my car and take it home.

On a happier note, I'm gonna have my own room next year! WOOT!! I have no problem with 1/2 of the people I have roomed with. I just do not enjoy having a roommate. I am used to having my own room, and I rather like it. Here's another list:

1. Having my things where I like them.

2. Getting up without worry of disturbing anyone

3. Going to bed without feeling like I'm inconveniencing anyone

4. Having music or a movie on when I want noise

5. Have quiet when I want quiet

6. Privacy

7. Time to be alone



Absolutely no disrespeky to Crystal! I would much rather live with her than anyone else. And I'm really glad that her, Stacy, and I got rooms right near each other next year. Crystal summed it up nicely..."We can see each other whenever we want to, without being forced to."

Harry Potter's Autograph!

So this weekend, my dad calls me up and he's like "Hey, you got something in the mail from England".

It was an signed picture of Daniel Radcliffe, the guy who plays Harry Potter. Now obviously, its a photocopy...but I don't care! It's still got his handwriting on it.

Unnatural Banana Boogying

Am I the only person that is thouroughly kreeped out by the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana???


That fucker is just weird...

Hi. My Name Is Dipshit And I Want Your Money To Spend On Prozac

Some people are way to freakin' perky. And greedy. And self-centered. And annoying. And hypocritical. And they are also named Ashley. I work with this chick who just annoys the *shit* out of me.

"My name is Ashley. I have three jobs. I'm awesome. I'm better than you. And my laugh isn't annoying at all. I'm too *cool* for the rules here. I just enforce them. And everything you do is all wrong. Unless, of course, I do the exact same thing. But that's different, 'cuz that's me. And I'm ASHLEY"

I don't recomend working at the NSU call center. It's a good idea, what they do. But the student suporvisors ruin it. Or Ashley does anyway. Let me explain what we do, first. We call alumni of NSU and ask them to please donate some money to various scholarship funds. (When you recieve a scholarship from NSU, we are the ones who make the money to cover it). What I don't agree with is the method and forcefullness we are "supposed" to use in order to get their money. We are supposed to lure them into conversation with us. Make them feel specail. Make them feel like we aren't only after their money. Then we move on to talking about the particular fund that we are raising money for at the time. Then we ask them to make a HUGE donation, at least 4 times larger than the last one they gave. If they haven't ever made one before, we ask for $100. If they say no, we are supposed to ask them for half of that. If they still say no, we are supposed to as for one quarter of the original amount. Then, if they still say no, we are supposed to ask *why not*. Then we let them know that we will be calling them again in the future. Goodbye.

What would *I* hear, if I were the one being called?

"Hello! You don't know me, but I'm ready and willing to waste your time tonight. Please excuse me while I ask you about your career, your kids, the weather, and a bunch of other shit that I really don't care about. Uh huh. Oh? Interesting. Well whatever. Anyway, we promised a whole shitload of people all this money, but we kinda don't have it. So, give me like, ten gazillion dollars. What? What do you mean you have 42 kids and you've just been diagnosed with testicular cancer? I'm so sorry to hear that, but what about a mesely 5 gazillion dollars. Would that be more affordable? No? Hey don't hang up. Just give me ten bucks. Fine. Whatever. But resistance is useless. I *will* be back. Don't bother moving and/or changing your number. I *will* find you. MUHAHAHAHA!!"

And so ya. Oh, and each person that we call has a sheet of paper and on that paper, we are to write the result of each attempted call. Mike, our boss dude, told us that if any of the people had any requests or questions, that we were to write them down on the sheet and every effort would be made to address the issue or answer the question. But its not like it matters, 'cuz no one ever reads the fucking comments anyway. The "student supervisors" are supposed to hand any sheet marked "directors attention" over to Mike, but they don't. And Ashley, OMG whenever I write anything down and she sees it, she acts like i did something wrong and like, "who really gives a shit what this person said". It pisses me off. And she is supposed to be there for us to go to if we have problems or questions (seeing as to how Mike is never there) but whenever i try talking to her, she treats me like I'm a retarded ferret or something and just laughs at me. Bitch. Oh! And today I found out that even if the person requests to be taken off the calling list, we still call them. How fucking rude is that??? My God. I hope they get sued. Thank god she isn't gonna be here next year. And she always used to get made at me and Crystal for talking at work, but then her and her little minions just fuck around all day on facebook. I hate her. And she's too fucking perky. Eww. And she always brags about how she has three jobs. Wooopdeedeedoooo!

OK. I think I'm done now...LA VIE BOHEME!

Baby, Baby

In the last few weeks, I have really been stuck in a rutt. I guess I'm just really annoyed with life in general. I have no motivation. In the back of my mind, I know why I'm living. I know why I'm going to school. Everything I do is in preperation for my future family. But I'm kind of an instant-gratification type person. School is annoying. My job is annoying. Everything is annoying. I feel like everything is useless right now. I feel like I'm just existing. Going to class and work are annoying little bumps in my useless existance. I really don't know how to express what is going on in my head. But I have figured out what the only solution is.

Give Me A Reason To Grow Up!!

¤Living for my kids. Helping them to learn. Taking them to the zoo, the park, anywhere! Spending time with them. Being there for them.
¤Running my house. My own house! Not someone's parent's house. Lounging around in MY living room. Doing laundry in MY washing machine. Washing dishes in MY sink.
¤Working at my CAREER, not just some shitty part time job. Working regularly, not just once in awhile. Getting a nice paycheck that allows me to do more than pay a couple bills.


Let's get this damn college out of the way!!! I mean, I TOTALLY love Aberdeen, andI love the friends I have made at school. I am so happy that I chose NSU. I'm really glad that I decided to go to college, beause if I didn't, I would be stuck at some loser job for the rest of my life. Talk about a buzz kill! But as it is, I have alot to look forward to. It's just hard to keep reminding myself about that when I am stuck waiting for at least two more years. *sigh*

Even my subconscience has been thinking about whole making-a-baby thing. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I had a baby and we named him "Nero". I had never even heard of that name before! In, fact, I didn't even know it was a real name until about 5 minutes ago when I looked it up at www.babynames.com. A couple nights ago, I had another dream that I had a baby and this time his name was "Damian Luther". Damian is a name that Daniel and I chose, like, 2 years ago. We aren't quite sure on the middle name, but that's OK. We have at least 2 more years before we need to worry about that too much.

Dude, I'm scared to start planning a wedding though! There's so many little things to think about and plan! I'm so glad that Daniel's mom and I get along so well. She will help me figure it all out! Daniel and I already picked out our colors. Midnight blue, Black, and Silver. They look so beautiful together! And they are the colors that we ended up wearing to all 3 proms that we went to. Plus, they match Daniel's truck. *smile* I don't know who will all be in the wedding though. In addition to the best man and maid of honor, I want two sets of bridesmaids/groomsmen. I'm almost certain that the Crystal and Brian will be the m.o.h/b.m. but as for the others? I would like Stacy to be a brides maid, but I haven't decided on the other one. And I have no idea who Daniel will choose as groomsmen, especailly now that he is pissed at Travis (Travis promised Daniel that he would be in his wedding, then changed his mind). I wouldn't mind Levi being in it. He's cool. As for the children, I would love Michael to be the ring bearer. Flower girl? Hmmm...I'll have to think about that one, too.

Wow...this post ended up alot longer than I thought it would!! I guess that's what the boredom of Easter Break does...

Its Pie, And Chips...For Free!

OK. This was so awesome that I just had to preserve it, even though I really don't feel like typing. Let me begin by drawing your attention to the Geico commercial in which the gecko dude compares the Geico website to free pie and chips. And "Who doesn't like pie and chips? It's pie, and chips, for free!" Well my friends and I just love this, and so we went to our hall director's apartment and left him a note saying that we wanted to have a pie and chips social. A few hours later, we saw him and we were like "did you see our message?" He was like "Ya. The one about the squirrels and Pop Rocks social. And pigeons." (I will write another post explaining about the pigeons.) So ya, we had to tell him all about the commercial because he had never seen it, but then we discussed it, and we collectively decided that it would be cool to have a Geico social. He even said that he would let us host it. Neato!

I Didn't Recognise You Without The Handcuffs

OK. I hate musicals. With a passion. They are so fucking cheesy!! But I watched Rent, mainly because a HEAP of people told me that it was excellent. So I watched it. And at first I thought "what the fuck. this is the stupidest thing, although it is mildly amussing, in a retarded sort of way." But by the end, I was in love. I love Rent! And it has cool songs. Yes. Go see it.


*sings gaily*
To hand crafted beers made in local breweries
to yoga, to yogurt, to beans and rice and cheese

Random Quotes

"If I was small, I would put on those little feetie pajamas that I got for Tilly"
-Wendy

"I wish I was alergic to Kiwi. They taste so disgusting!"
-Carrie

"I told him 'Fine! Just go and be a stubborn old man that yells at the kids to get off of his grass!"
-Tawnie (on the phone, talking about her friend, Jake)

"I have ONE piano keys, and I have to take it out EVERY day!" (you really would have had to have heard the expression in this one to find it funny)
-Me

"I'm PERfectly comfortable. (pause) mmHMM"
-A very drunken Marcus


"Come on, Kari. Masterbate later! I'm going!"
-Some girl out in the hall just now

I Finally Have A Hobby

I have liked arranging photos in photo albums for a long time. However, I was never any good at it! I have finally started "real" scrapbooking. It's awesome. I love it. I have learned alot about it in the last few days, and I'm happy to report that I made my first layout today, and it looks excellent! *grins* I can't wait to make a wedding scrapbook, and baby scrapbooks. *w00t!* At least I know that by the time that happens, I will be really good at it!

I Fucking LOVE This Song!!!

(Bit from "Vermillion, Pt. 2" - Slipknot)

.

.

She is everything to me

The unrequited dream

A song that no one sings

The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in

All I need to make it real is one more reason

This first time I heard this, I couldn't believe it was Slipknot! This song is fucking beautiful!!!

My Baby Bellatrix (Trixie)

Funny true story: When we adopted her, the Humane Society told us that she was a girl kitty. So I made her my little princess. When we went to get her spade last week, however, they made an interesting discovery. She's got balls! Dun dun dun...!
It would be to confusing for her to change her name now, and to hard for me to get used to calling her "him", so we are just gonna pretend like we never found this bit of info out. It's not like it makes any difference, anyway.

The Prophet of Kessler's

Ian, Crystal and I went to Kesslers. There, we met the arch angel from Heaven. Aparently, he came down from the hills to Jeruselum. In Sioux City, Iowa, he was given a secret salt water vaccination by the government, but nobody knew about it. Nobody likes him here, mostly because they don't like the message his is bringing. He would go in to the store, but he doesn't know what he would say to people inside.

Don't Get Me Wrong

I know I don't blog nearly as often as I used to. This isn't due to lack of...anything. It's just, well, nothing that I have to say matters.

Confessions of A Strange Fellow

"Dogs can't sleep. I will eat them." - Ian

My First Day As A Rabbit

Well, I just started a new diet. A real diet. I am taking Slimquick pills. I'm eating healthy. I plan on starting at Curves this week. And I'm actually excited about it. I don't even have a desire to eat junky crap or drink high fructose corn syrup. Of course, this is only the first day...

Changes....

Today was my last day at the day-care. OMG I dont think I even told you I got a different job, did I? OK first things first.

OK so I got a new job at the NSU foundation. Basically, we call alumni and friends of the university and ask for donations to various funds. Right now we are raising money for the Wolf Pact Scholarship fund, which is a new program for incomming freshman with an ACT score of 21 or higher which garantees them between $500 and $2000, depending upon the score, each year that they attend Northern and maintain a 3.0 GPA or above. (did that sound rehearsed??). I applied for this job beacuse I was basically gauranteed a position, and I was told I would get 9.25/hour. Not so. Not yet, anyway. You start at 7.00 plus incentives, and you get a raise for each year you work there. You work for a little over three hours each night. Oh ya...I also thought I would get to work 4 nights per week but then he hired too damn many people and so now I only get two nights. The whole point in getting this job was so that I would have more money, but then I quit the daycare (with both jobs, plus classes, I wouldnt have enough time for homework, leisure, or friends) and now im still going to be making around the same amount as before. I think its ok though...cuz I do like this job. Its more individual and I dont know...I just really like it. It's not that I decided to change my focus or anything. I loved the kids, and I still want to work with children as a career...I can't really explain it properly, I just feel like I want to be only working at the foundation for now. Besides, I'm taking an Observation class for my minor, and I have to spend 40 hours in a preschool for that, so I'll still have my kiddie fix.

Anyway, as I was saying, today was my last day at the daycare. I didn't even get to see my favorites. ( I know, "you shouldn't have favorites". Everyone does, OK? They just don't let it show.) So anyway...I decided not to go say goodbye to anyone because then I would feel sad. And I dont think I have the right to feel sad. It was my choice to get another job. It was my choice to quit at the daycare, even though they really needed me. I guess I just had some problems with it which I don't want to share at the present time. But I still talk to a couple people who I worked with, and I'll find out from them how everyone is.

Hmm..well I think thats about all I have for you today

With You I'd Withstand All Of Hell To Hold Your Hand

Far Away - Nickelback

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case

there's just one left

'Cause you know

you know

you know

I love you

I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming

you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing

if I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything

but I won't give up

'Cause you know

you know

you know

I love you

I've loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming

you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing

if I don't see you anymore

So far away (So far away)

Been far away for far too long

So far away (So far away)

Been far away for far too long

But you know

you know

you know

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me

and never let me go

Keep breathing,

'cause i'm not leaving you any more

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go

Take Me And Let Me In; Don't Break Me And Shut Me Out

One of those nights...i dunno if im manically depressed or if i just depend on others for my energy. The last week or so, I have been off the hook...very happy, bubbly, all that. And after a great day at work, i came home and got to see my Nonny. I was so happy then, too. But now, as i sit alone in my room i feel empty. could this be what daniel means? could this be what he goes through each moment that im not there? my mind is normally busy with something, whether its homework, class, work, or the desperate hopes of avoiding any of those things. and im always surrounded by people, even if its just Crystal. Even if we arent even talking to each other, i think that just having someone else around gives me a feeling of usefulness and purpose and that makes me happy as well as occupies my mind. But when im alone like this, especailly at night, and especailly after talking to daniel, i just feel so bummed. I just wanna be in the arms of someone who loves me...and i cant be with him until i go home again. i just wanna cry, but for what? am i lonely? how unstable am i if i cant go two hours without some sort of companionship? i mean, is it really necessary for me to have that constant of a reminder that i am loved? im so pathetic...

HOLY SHYT!!!

Today, Crystal, Ian, and I were going through the drive-in at McDonald's when we saw, no joke, at least 10 cops drive by in a little line with their lights flashing. DAMN! So we followed them. As we were doing so, we kept thinking "wouldn't that be great if the entire Aberdeen police department just got really bored, so they decided to go have a little parade and see how many people followed them?" They ended up all stopping in the area of some funeral home on main street. It was near The Last Chance bar, but that isn't where they went, just to clear that up. Anyway, they dissipated after like 10 minutes, and I dont know what was going on, but Im sure glad I got to see it!

Googlisms

If you go to Googlism.com, you can find out what the Internet thinks about you, your friends, your school, the year you were born, your pencil...almost anything!!! Here's what the Internet had to say about me:
darci is one of the best singers i have ever heard

darci is full of good advise if only someone would take it

darci is very good at what she does

darci is really a mouse living in a toaster (editor's note: WHAT???)

And here's what it thought about my friends!

crystal knight is a hottie that entertains men and women regularly as one of the hostesses of playboy's night calls 411

daniel is the dalai lama

ian is just a happy little guy sitting in his scooter thing

ian is the muthafuckin' man!

stacy is a 16 year old heroin addict

tyler is "selling rich women their own fat asses back to them"

You really just have to go check this site out.

Errr...Turkey?

So we are driving in the Econo parking lot when suddenly, Crystal brings the car to a near halt. "Is that a turkey??" she asks. I look out the window. All I see is a McDonald's bag full of garbage. I say nothing. "Pick it up!!!" she demands. Errr...

Thank You Ian!!!

For my birthday/Christmas, Ian gave me a plastic llama and some sticky notes. I love this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian bought these cigarette things that smell dizzy and, according to Ian, taste numb. The also crackle when you smoke them. When you smoke them, your lungs start to bleed. It stops after you're done, though, which is good, I suppose.

The Evils Of Snow Covered Ice

I got out of my car today. I promptly fell down. I got up, my dignity bruised, and brushed off the snow. Then I fell again. Again, I brushed myself off, hoping that no one saw. I then took a single step and fell on my ass AGAIN!!!! I seriously considered crawling to class...

I Finally Got To See Michael Again, After Almost A Year

After this shot was taken, he wiped the water/saliva from his mouth away with his hand, and then he wiped his hand on the giant "Odie" dog next to him...

Here's a good shot of his face. Katie looks stoned...lol...

Chewing on the bear I got him for Christmas. Katie would like me to point out that she is not chewing on him, no matter how it looks!

Gothic Harry Potter

DAMN!! This picture is sweet!! And I never use that word anymore.

As Promised, Here's The Kittens!!

Buddy (Daniel's mom's cat)

Trixie (Me and Daniel's kitten)

Yes. This Is A Cow Made Of Cheese.

I Dont Even Remember What My Tatoo Looks Like

I have a tattoo on my right shoulder blade. I think it's of a blue cresent moon and two stars. I think. I don't remember. I never see it!! I'm gonna get another one this summer, I think. I know what of, and I know where, but you all will just have to wait until I get it to know!

Why I Need To Think Before I Speak

Backstory: Daniel has one of those vibrating, U-shaped neck and shoulder massager pillow things. This is what I was reffering to in the following dialogue. I just couldn't think of the word "massager".

After hours of trying to pull up 40 year-old, deteriorating, sticky, gross, disgusting carpet, I say to Daniel..."I'm going to have to use that vibrator when we get hoime. I'm getting really tense."

Daniel Is So Funny In Bed...

Dan: That hamburger didn't set with me very well.
Darci: So in other words, you have a stomach ache?
Dan: Ya. Or something like that. It's not digesting right. It's just kinda sitting there on the bottom of my stomach and it's trying to break up but it isn't going very well at all.

Web Junk

There is this new show on VH1 called Web Junk 20. Each week it counts down the funniest, dumbest, most ridiculous things that they found on the web that week. I must tell Ian about this.

What Kind of Idiot Runs Into A Building?

Bumper parking - this is when u slowly ease your vehicle up to the bumper so that you are parked right next to it. When doing this, it is possible to hit a pole if there is one near the edge of the sidewalk. However, you are moving so slowly that no damage is done and it isn't a big deal at all.

But if you are whipping cookies on an icy parking lot and you pop up over the curb, smack the building, and cause a huge crack to form from the floor to the ceiling...that's a different story. Especailly when you're a cocky kid named Tim Pennings. HAHAHA

Payng My Respect To Some Fantastic Felines

R.I.P

~~~~~~~~

Tigger "Dunk" Burch

Whose death came very unexpectedly

Dunk was such a lover

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frisky "Freakers" Burch

Who gave 17 years of love to a sweet little boy

SO MANY KITTENS!!!!! (what you talkin' 'bout?)

After Daniel's 18 year old (!!!!) cat was put to sleep, we went out and adopted another kitten. (photo comming later this month). This one is all black and really fluffy. It's also full of the devil! VERY playful, loving...loves to be held...gets into EVERYTHING. That is to say, even moreso than Buddy. Crazy little fucker. LOL. I love it. Dan still needs to come up with a name for it. I have my own idea, but I'll wait 'til he picks a name and just tell you that one so as not to confuse anyone.

Check it

You know why I hate Beyounce's music videos? Because she humps chairs, the floor, everything in sight. That's not sexy. Its creepy. You know why I hate alot of male (and female) artist's music videos? Because the choreographers have the girls dancing so fast and stupid that they look like they are convulsing. I have gotten used to the whole "we need skinny girls in their underpants shaking their asses to sell" thing. But they aren't even sexy anymore. They are like on speed or something...frankly, I'm a little scared.

Check it out, yo. I wrote this new rap song:

I'm out in da club
Got my bling around my neck
It's louder than the music
but don't you disrespec'
Got all these bitches
that I wanna take home
do nasty things to
all night long
I flash out my cha ching
light up my bling bling
da da da da.........

So ya...ever notice that most rap songs are about fine bitch, heaps of cash, dancing, and/or sex? *rolls eyes*
(I know people are gonna lell at me, so let me say this...I have enjoyed/ do enjoy some of these songs. Its the complete overabundance of them that annoys me)(Also, I realise that not all rap songs follow these pathetic trends. Amen to the rappers out there who have something else to say!!!!!)

Long live bands like Simple Plan, Fall Out Boy, Seether, Linkin' Park, and a ton of others who have an actual message in their songs....who's songs you can actually relate to.