CROSSFADE

SEETHER

For those who didn't know, I got to go to a Seether/Crossfade concert in August. They performed in Sioux Falls at the fair with Dark New Day as their opening act. It was the first concert I have ever been to. It was the awesomest thing ever! I love seether, and so I had been playing their newest CD for weeks and weeks. My favorite song of theirs, though, is definately Remedy. The only Crossfade song that I know is "Cold". I am in love with that song (as you can tell by the title of the site...). No matter how many times you listen to a song on the radio/CD/MP3, that is nothing compared to hearing it live. The energy in the crowd was amazing. When they played Remedy, I was in a trance from the first note to the last chord. I cannot stress enough how AMAZING it was...It was one of the best experiences I have ever had.

I Have Never Before Been Chased By A Flock Of Guinneas

This I Know To Be True!!!!

Nicole Webster

This post is long overdue, and I'm much too tired to explain everything in detail. Perhaps later on I will revisit this post and make things less vague. But for now, I would just like to say this.


NICOLE WEBSTER IS AN IMMATURE, EGO-CENTRIC, INCONSIDERATE, TWO-FACED, LYING BIIIITTTCCCHHHH

Thank you.

My Thoughts As I Stare Off Into Bolivia

So basically, I used to have this idea that if someone disagreed with or felt uncomfortable with something that I was doing or how I felt, I must do all in my power to explain my point of view to them. Even if they still didn't agree, hopefully they could understand. I really hated to have others thinking bad things about me, and if they must, I at least wanted them to be based on fact rather than on rumors or assumptions. But I have explained myself to some people over and over. They know my weaknesses. They know my insecurities. They know that I make mistakes and that I regret them and that I'll probably make them again. They know I'm a hypocrite at times. Who isn't? But I try and be fair. Even if I do comment on the character flaw of another, I will, if provoked (and sometimes on my own), admit that I have similiar problems. In all fairness, to myself and to others, I think that most flaws seem alot more substantial when they belong to someone else. I also believe that before you judge someone [I mean really judge them...not just make overexaggerated observations and bitch, but when forming your final opinions after a sufficient cool-down] that you should have as much of an understanding of their point of view as they will give you. Also, always assume that there is some unforeseen circumstances that you are unaware of. That isn't always the case, but you never know when it may be. That is precisely why I feel compelled to provide my side. If it involves admitting faults, then so be it.

But lately, I have decided that I no longer will worry myself over this. OK, so in all honesty, I probably will. But for those who don't know me that well, who cares what they think? I know this is a basic philosophy that mainy claim to follow, but really, who doesn't care at least a little bit about what others thing? I'm still going to care, but not as much. And for my close friends...well it was always their opinions that mattered the most. Just the slightest bit of negative feedback from them ruins my whole mood, no matter how inflated it previously was. I, naturally, will come back later and try to explain my side. But for goodness sake...they should already understand me well enough. And in any case, I don't have to answer to them. (I love that sentence. Just saying it in my head and knowing that I believe it makes me feel as though I have just made a breakthrough in the journey to my well-being.) They make choices that heaven knows I disagree with, but its not my business. If they ask me for advice, I will give it. Otherwise, I just try and let them go and if they screw up...well that's life. And I don't see why I should bother myself with reminding people for the seven hundreth time of how I feel and my background and blah blah blah blah blah...They already know enough about me, and if they still don't understand why I am how I am, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to help them.

Did You Ever Eat Paint Chips As A Kid?

Sandwiches are very friendly things. They fill your belly with substance and prevent it from eating itself. They are very versitile. They don't much mind what they are compossed of, so long as they fulfill their ultimate purpose in life. That purpose, however morbid, is what they live for! That purpose is to be grinded down by the blunt teeth residing in the backmost regions of most homosapians. There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's, and there is no wrong way to eat a sandwich. I personally like to rip off and consume the crust and surrounding area first, then excavate my way through the top slice, then through each layer of innards until i reach the bottom slice. At this point, my journey is finished. I feel satisfied and ready for anything!

I might add, in my closing, that one way I don't like to eat my sandwiches is with paint chips.

In College, You Start To Come Up With Your Own Recipies

OH NO!!! I'm one cracker short of a pickle and cheese sandwich!
-Crystal

Some Words Of Advice From The Creator Of Lord Of The Rings

"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him."

-J.R.R Tolkien

Sex and Death

"How much footage can you take of one woman's breasts? So when she throws her arms up they bobble up and down, big deal, toss up a cabbage and that comes down, too, why don't they show us five minutes of cole slaw?"

- from the play Sex and Death by Diana Amsterdam

Random Bits From HP that I Thought Were Mildly Amusing

"'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"

"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.

"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.

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"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"

"Yes," said Harry stiffly.

"Yes, sir."

"There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."

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"If you tell them," said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight under his pillow, "I - I - I'll -"

"Stutter at me?" said Harry, grinning. "Come on, would I?"

"How could she think I'd like something like that, though?" Ron demanded of thin air, looking rather shocked.

"Well, think back," said Harry. "Have you ever let it slip that you'd like to go out in public with the words 'My Sweetheart' round your neck?"

"Well... we don't really talk much," said Ron. "It's mainly . . ."

"Snogging," said Harry.

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"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. "I want to find McLaggen and kill him."

"I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion,'" said Madam Pomfrey.

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"I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment," Dumbledore said to Uncle Vernon, "but the evidence so far suggests that that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness."

Just A Little Poem I Wrote...

This poem was inspired at 12:22 AM whilst eating freshly prepared Ramen Noodles (The Breakfast of Champions)

my tongue was burnt upon the fork,

upon the fork,

upon the fork.

my tongue was burnt upon the fork,

the fork of stainless china

I Would Like To Make An Ammendment

TYLER, I MISS YOU VERY VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im sorry that it seems as though Im always ignoring you or forgetting about you. That's not the case. In fact, I think about you alot more than I should...

But I just wanted to make a public announcement that I really miss you, and I wish you would call me cuz you said you would...

Looking In The Yellow Pages For Part-Time Job Ideas

Crystal (scanning the headings): I could get a job as a contact lens!
Darci: That would be an eye-opening experience!
Crystal: Yes. Very insightful.

Conversation Overheard at Naptime at the Daycare

Melissa: Madi, you need to go lay down.
Madi: Go buhbye?
Melissa: Not yet. Time to go nuh-nite. Then go buhbye after snack.
Madi: Buhbye?
Melissa: After snack. After we have a cookie.
Nick: My mommy and daddy went to the grocery store and they got some cookies!!!!
Erica: My mommy and daddy went to the grocery store too!!
Melissa: No, they went to Ireland.
Erica: Ya! They went to Ireland.



OK, so maybe you had to be there...

OK, you know how on jars of pickles and the like, it says "do not purchase if the safety button is up."? Well what if you were half done with your jar of pickles and then you took it back to the store demanding a refund or exchange? When the cashier pointed out to you the fact that half the pickles were gone and therefore a refund would not be granted, you could inform them that you "hadn't realized the button was up until you ate half of the pickles."

(***If you dont get this, please see note 1 below)

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NOTES:
1. The safety button on a sealed jar pops up when the jar is first opened, by the consumer or any other party, and remains up for eternity

*brookish accent* RAN-DOM!!!!!!

Today I ate a bowl of ice cream in a phone booth. It had chocolate and strawberry syrup aplenty, not to mention sprinkles and banana slices!

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Whoever first put cheese in a can is a genius. A genius with odd compulsions and probably no socail life, but a genius nonetheless. I really believe that, I do! And its great...a terrific addition to the unhealthy but convenient selection of college-student budget items that line the shelves of our local supermarket. It's also, I hear, and excellent source of calcium! It even helps with your sense of humor (that is if you are running on less than a couple hours of sleep and the heat index in your dorm is 190). The directions on the back of the can state: For best results, remove cap.

HAHA

Now I really do like Easy Cheese...my concern, however, lies with the poor little people who have the unfortunate jobs of shoving all that cheese in the can. I mean, that stuff is under alot of pressure...think of all the force and strength it must require to fit 20 pounds of cheese into an 8 ounce can...

Now I'm gonna go and get all philosophical on you...

OK, I didnt make these up...Crystal got them from a website...but they really make you think...

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Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

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When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

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Life is Full Of Bullshit Where Ever You Go

BUT AT LEST IT KEEPS LIFE INTERESTING



So ya...its less than a week before I go back to Aberdeen. Im pretty excited. Im gonna miss Daniel like hell though. That's the only part that will suck. Crystal's comming to school with me this year for sure, so I dont have to miss her. And Katie already lives in Aberdeen (although Im not sure how things are gonna go...long story).


OK, SO HERE'S WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT:

I mentioned this on my member profile long ago, and I still believe it: im so irritated by people who whine to me about their problems and then when I offer advice, they completey dismiss it 100 percent of the time. It's like they don't really care what I think, even when I am the more rational one, and they know it. They want me to be the best friend I've always been, and help them out. I am flattered that people can talk to me about their problems, and I love being able to help them in some way. That is not the problem. Its when 5 minutes later they try and say everything is great when in reality its only gotten worse. I risk their good temperment by telling them calmly what I honestly think about their lifestyle, and they try to give me false assurances that everything is fine. Go ahead, screw up your life...that's your decision...but don't drag my baby down with you...please...

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So ya...I have made a terrible mistake again. I HAVE AN OPINION. Im so sorry people...

You know, I really did love you. I wanted to be one of your best friends. But that didnt happen. It couldnt, because my friends didnt like you, and yours didnt like me. And because your ideas of fun were quite different than mine. But the few times that we did get together, I thought it was great fun. And now, just because you utilized your blog and expressed yourself (which I dont have a problem with) and, mainly, becasue I used my own blog and made my own comments, now you suddenly give up on me and dont want anything to do with me. Fine. It's not like I was a major part of your life anyway. What are you losing? Not much...just a dorky chick who says random stupid things at the oddest times, someone who thinks differently than everyone else, someone who can laugh at the most retarded antics, someone who likes to express her opinion rather than surpress it...you know, I actually am alot like you. you said more than once that I was like your sister or that i should have been. That would have been awesome...but I guess I am too much like you

Some Quotes...

"Look...That garage [roof] is full of sparrows...they're all around the edges...it's like they're watching something...saaaSPIIIIcious..."
-Daniel

"I have nothing to do with the man that I married."
-Daniel


"IM A BALERRINA, FUCKER!!"
-Tyler

OK, Saturn...Here's What I Think

In response to "Twisting The Nuts" www.smacksonsaturn.blogspot.com


I think that for the title of that particular blog, you did exactly what you're preaching against. In fact, I think I have heard you do that same thing several times. I do agree though, it is VERY ANNOYING!!! ...in excess. Once in awhile, it can be humorous, just not every other sentence. I'm not around you all that much, and so I am hoping that you don't do it in excess. I cant really think of any one person who does, but it I do, I'll make sure to tell them to shut up or somthing...


"And don't forget, (in mocking voice) "friends don't let friends drive drunk." Screw that! As far as I'm concerned, give 'em the keys rev up the engine, and let 'em go sailing home with a bottle of taquila in their lap...They'll wrap themselves around a telephone pole and either be killed or paralyzed. Cruel, you say? Well, so is inflicting your drunken stupidity on the rest of the world, so be ready to pay the consequences. Asshole. "

OK, that quote right there done did pissed me off!!! So much, in fact, that the fact that I actually agreed with 90% of everything else you said is lost. I guess I was under the impression that you cared about your friends. I wrongly assumed that even if they made some bad choices, you would still love them. getting drunk is not the worst thing in the world, and it is something that you have recently started doing. (I was actually very proud of you before because even though most to all of your friends drank, you didn't believe in it. Now your spending substantail amounts of money on alcohol and hording at Terry's house. )Now, I do drink. And every time, the next morning, I say "never again". But that never lasts. I do it again. I know I'm OK by you because I dont, as you porotested against, get shitfaced every weekend. So anyway, back to what I was saying (I just reread the quote and got pissed all over again) That is VERY cruel. I'm sorry, but you dont fucking say that shit about your friends. I pray that you were just ranting, because if you really mean that, then you are heartless. You compare stupid ramblings to death. Death is permanent. Someone talking to you isnt. You can ignore, you can laugh, you can do whatever. In the morning, they will still be there and you can laugh at them all over again. I mean, come on...I remember when you and I talked all the time (sorta) and half of what we said was stupid ramblings...and we were straight sober! So I guess what I really mean is this...next time you get drunk, go ahead and drive home. You don't have to lie to your parents and say your staying at my house...just go home. I dont agree with it, but I wont be there to stop you. If you do end up killing yourself, I will bawl my ass off, because I love you. But at least I'll know you followed your own advise.

PS (just so you know, it was very very difficult for me not to mention Nikki in this post...)

Why I Hate My New Job

JK...It's not so bad. I mean, its housekeeping, just like my old one, but compared to the gig at the nursing home, this kicks ass! (I now work at a hotel in Watertown.) The only part that I don't like is my "boss". The other housekeepers share this opinion with me. I mean, she is a very nice girl (I saw "girl" rather than woman because it seems to all of us as though she is younger than us), but how she is able to keep the position of Executive Housekeeper is beyond me!

First of all, she and another lady were supossed to share the position, then somehow she kissed the manager's ass just enough to get it all to herself. The other girl told the manager that she had just made a huge mistake...and she is finally starting to see that she did! Tamiy (fuck it, I don't care if I use her name...) writes up the damn housekeeping scheduele, but she seems to always scheduele herself for days that she had doctor's appointments (I think I heard somewhere that she sees shrink). Why doesn't she work AROUND her personal scheduele so that she doesn't always have to call in and say she cant work. And who does she call in to? And HOW THE HECK do they buy her stupid excuses every single time?? When she IS at work, she is, by the national housekeeping code, supossed to clean at least 5 rooms. No one has seen her do one for weeks! She's always on the damn phone, usually with personal phone calls. I tell you what, if any of us behaved like this, we would have been fired long ago. Plus, alot of us newer girls have run into problems, because when she trained us, she told us incorrect information. We quickly learned to do like the ones who have been there for months and months and not even bother talking to her about anything. I mean, as a person, she's very friendly and considerate. I like her alot...she just isnt doing a good job as a boss, and alot of us are thinking that something should definately be done about it. Our main concern was the annual inspection...what with no head housekeeper to make sure that we got everything deep cleaned and perfect before the surprise inspection, we thought we would fail. But nope! All by ourselves we got the highest score in all of SD. YAY!!

First My Fishies, Then My Hamster, Now Achenar...

My brother Brian was hunting or sniping or something...I really dunno what...and he somehow aquired a baby rabbit. Just a little bitty thing with its eyes not even opened yet! So damn cute! And anyway, they had been keeping it on the stove in a skillet ( yes, this is odd). Seeing as to how my poor little hamster died, I now had a vacancy in my living room for something else small and furry. So they gave me the bunny (as I'm going "Oh cute! What is it? A bunny? Oh yes, I see it. It's so cute! I'll name him Achenar!Now...what the HELL am I supposed to do with this thing???"). I took him home, gave him milk, lots of loving, and a daddy (Ty's family raises bunnies, so I thought he might be a good asset to the family). Unfortunately, he only lived 30 some hours under my care. I don't feel terribly responsible though. The encyclopedia mentioned that most infant bunnies do not live into adulthood. If they did, the world would be overrun with bunnies (CUTE!!). After all, according to a show on Animal Planet, "Rabbits have a talent of making more rabbits."

Maybe it's for the best though. After all, the encyclopedia also stated that "The domestic rabbit is almost entirely harmless."

Not terribly reassuring...

The Lone Surviror!

So a few weeks ago, Ty was helping me dust, and he picked this small, black, bumpy, and shiveled object up and turns to me and goes "what is this?" I had never, in my 20 years of living in that house, seen it before. We decided it looked almost entirely like a burnt pickle, and so I went and woke my dad up to ask him. It was...

...here is its story...


Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western side of Hayti lies a Grocery store. Right exactly in this spot, many years ago, there used to be a grocery store...*dramatic pause for laughing*...but it burnt down. In the pile of rubbish was a pickle, burnt to a crisp but still clinging to what life it had in it. That pickle is now in our home, sitting amoungst cat figurines and old things on a bookshelf.

Don't Worry...I'm NOT Pregnant

I don't think, anyway. But I have really been thinking lately about what I would name my kids if I were asked to do it RIGHT NOW with NO REGARD to what the father said. I don't know what Daniel thinks of these names, except for Damian, which we have already decided to be the name of our first son.

Since I want, at most, 4 kids, and there is no way to determine if they will be boys or girls, I am trying to think of 4 names for each gender. here's my current favorites:

Boy Names

Damian

Jayden

Tarin

Kaden

Cole

Girl Names

Shaeleigh

Cadence

Tayah

Kira

Trinity

This Shit Is Bananas....

So ya, the other day I was outside in my yard with Crystal, and Kyle drove by in his mom's truck. He slowed down a little and yelled to me that he passed his driving test. I congratulated him and before I could ask him if his mom was still mad at me, or if I could be sent to jail for talking to him, he was passed. I was uber excited tho, 'cuz jus seeing him and knowing that he wasn't mad at me really relieved me. Every time I saw him around town, he would not acknowledge my presence. I had been so worried because it's one thing for Maggie to be mad, however rashly and unreasonably she arrived at her conclusions. But for her to turn all her kids against me (as she seems to have done with the two little ones) is ridiculous...I am consoled by the thought that if the little ones ignore me, it is by request from their mom, for they can't understand what's going on. I won't take it personally. But Kyle is old enough and independent enough to make his own decisions, and he doesn't seem to blame me for any trouble he may have gotten into. At least he is rational and can realize that I didn't do or say anything to make it appear as though we had done something. Why would I do that? I'm the one who would be S.O.L. He would be the "victim". But anyway, enough of this. It's retarded. But Kyle doesn't hate me, and equipped with that knowledge, life can now go on.

You Seek The Power Of The Jedi, Potter.

That was a random quote from my fiance...I forced him to watch five minutes of Harry potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with me :)

HARRY POTTER YEAR 6 COMES OUT ON THE 16TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Anyway, my fiance, Daniel, is so cute...the other day, we were goin down this road in Watertown and there was this sign that said "Road Closed Ahead". When you looked straight ahead, however, it was evident that the road was not only closed, but had been blocked by the V.F.W Building. THERE WAS NO ROAD!!! You had the choice to turn right or left, but you could not go straight. So Daniel's like "Well no wonder it's closed! They put the damn V.F.W. Building in the way! Assholes..."

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE

I think I am HaPpY

All of my problems seem to have solved themselves, except for the misunderstanding with Maggie, and I don't see how on Earth she could still be thinking as she was before...after all, I understand that she was feeling as a mother should when under the impression that a 19 year old was messing around with him. She acted rashly, in a fit of rage. Hopefully she has calmed down and will allow me to talk to her rationally about it now, because I don't want to lose my friendship with her family over something stupid like this.


Its too bad that I don't get the chance to blog every day (or several times a day) like I used to...This summer has not been nearly as boring as it looks. In fact, I wrote a letter to my buddy Stacy, two letters actually, and both were fairly long. There has been alot of stuff going on, it just doesn't seem that exciting right now, and I can't remember half of it. See, the point of this blog, besides telling my friends what's been going on in the parts of my life they missed, is also for me to read so that I can look back and remember. And now I forgot!! People from Aberdeen who I didn't talk to all summer are gonna ask me what I did over vacation, and I'm gonna say "I fucked my little brother..."
NOTE: This is not a confession, I am being sarcastic. And I do consider this boy to be my little brother, which is yet another reason that I'm not ever gonna be sneaking around with him.

R.I.P. Chibi *sniff*

To My Hamster

Chibi Kenshin

My pet from May 2004 to June 2005

I Love And Miss You Baby!!

HOW CUTE...

MY BEST FRIEND IS DATING MY "EX".

KNOW WHAT'S EVEN CUTER? AWWWW SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT WITH HIS KID...BUT I THOUGHT SHE WAS ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE. OH WELL!!!!! HOW EXCITING FOR THEM. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...IF SHE CAN ALREADY FEEL SIGNS OF PREGNANCY, THEN THAT MEANS IT WAS A WHILE AGO THAT THE ALLEGED BABY WAS CONCEIVED. HMMM...THAT MEANS THAT THEY FUCKED WHEN I WAS SUPPOSSEDLY GOING OUT WITH HIM. HOW IRONIC. THATS WHAT HAPPENED WITH HER LAST KID TOO. I BETTER BE THE GODMOTHER OF THIS ONE, TOO!!!

So you guys know, Im not even mad. If anything, I think it's funny as hell. Good Luck!!

So Ya...

I am so fed up with everything. Im not sure what that means, but its that time of the month, so Im going through my monthly "the-worl-is-a-dark-and-hateful-place-and-Im-gonna-pick-one-person-to-be-my-only-savior" ritual.

This month, it's either Daniel or Kyle, but since I'm not allowed to be around Kyle anymore...(sorry, still pissed about that), its just Daniel. My friends agreed with me that he was too clingy, too possessive. But now, they don't understand that I want to be with him every second as well. Its like, alot of shit has happened that should have made us grow farther apart, but despite that, we both feel more in love than ever. Im hopeing that Crystal finally understands, since she has an awesome boyfriend now too. Anyway, I dont know what this blog is about. I just had a really good day with the slight implication of a headache, but then suddenly I get accused of doing something that I was TOLD to do. And not even by the person who was pissed about it. She was around me for two hours and said nothing, she just started sending people to spy on me and her son. RUIN MY FUCKING DAY, WILL YOU! I LOVE ALL THREE OF YOUR KIDS, AND YOUR NEICE AND NEPHEWS OR COUSINS OR WHATEVER THEY ARE. AND NOW YOU LEAD ME TO THINK THAT IN YOUR EYES IM A DIRTY CHILD MOLESTER. I MEAN, YA, I JOKE. I DO FIND A FEW 13-15 YEAR OLDS ATTRACTIVE, AND YES, YOUR SON IS ONE OF THEM. BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE...I AM ENGAGED, AND FURTHERMORE I AM NOT IN A HURRY TO GO TO JAIL FOR STATUTORY RAPE. ESPECAILLY NOT WHEN IM GOING TO SCHOOL TO BE AN ELEMENTARY TEACHER. HOW COMFORTABLE AM I GONNA FEEL AROUND YOUR KIDS NOW, KNOWING THAT YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO ABOUT ME. AND WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST ASK ME ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF ASSUMING THE WORST AND LOSING YOUR TRUST IN ME. I HAVE BEEN TURNING HIM DOWN FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, BECAUSE I KNOW ITS WRONG.

WHATEVER DUDE...

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME???


OK, now that that's out of my system...I DID NOT FUCK YOUR SON!!! HE'S 14 FUCKING YEARS OLD. MY GOD, DO YOU THINK I WANT TO GO TO JAIL??? AND IN ANY CASE, YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, WITH THE CONDITION THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU. OBVISOULY I DIDN'T TELL YOU, (BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN) SO WHY AM I SUDDENLY NOT ALLOWED TO BE AROUND MY ONLY FRIEND THAT LIVES IN HAYTI???

MY SORRIES

**I'm sorry that I was having a bad day. I see now that this is sinful.

**I'm sorry that "everyone" has been ragging on you. I will try my hardest to control them from now on, because I would hate to get yelled at for it again.

**I'm sorry that I didn't find the water balloon assult fun at the time. I understand now that I should always wish to partake in whatever my friends are planning, and genuinely enjoy it. In my defense, at least I went with you, despite the fact I didn't want to, and I didn't stop anyone from doing anything, and I almost had fun.

I honestly am sorry for hurting your feelings, and also (perhaps more-so) for making Terry think he was the worst boyfriend ever (especailly since I NEVER said he was). I've had my strike at you, and you had yours back at me. I'm over it, and I hope you will be soon, too, because you're an awesome, fun person.

So I'm Slightly Annoyed...

**THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO VARIOUS FACTORS, INCLUDING THE UNLAWFULLNESS OF MY BEING UPSET WHILE AUTHORING IT, AND SOMEONE'S INABILITY TO HONOR THE DISCLAIMER.

**that i have NEGATIVE 160 dollars right now and a 200 bill to CellOne. The negative balance is due to my bank being SHITHEADS all of a sudden...and the large cell bill is partially due to that reason as well.

**my favorite one of kristy's guinnea pigs died, both of my fish (Akira and Tiberious)died, kristy's kitten (Padawan),whom i loved, died, my hamster (Chibi) is deathly ill...

**that people like to talk about me behind my back to other people, then lie about it to me

**that everyone dislikes my boyfriend. I love him more than i ever did, and left and right people are telling me i shouldnt be with him, when they dont know shit

**people are also telling me not to be friends with the people i choose...but i am used to that...

Still Hate Money

Or rather my personal lack of it..

I looked online at my balance in my checking account. Turns out that rather than just one overdraft charge, they keep charging me every day or two, whatever amount they feel like, for keeping a negative balance. It's like a freaking credit card. They just keep screwing me and making it even harder to catch up. And to whoever left the comment last time, I AM LOOKING FOR A JOB!!! I had one in Aberdeen through school, but at home for the summer is another story. I had a good interveiw last week, but I haven't heard back from them yet. It's gonna take my first paycheck just to get a positive balance. IM SO PISSED!!!!!!! I'm so glad that I am going to college, so that I can hopefully have a real job when I grow up, so that my kids don't have to live way under the poverty level like I've had to do all my life.

Favorite Songs Of The Moment

As of May 31:

Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
Just A Lil Bit - 50 Cent
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson (WHY????)
BYOB - System of a Down

Updates

Well, I still haven't seen H2G2 (Hitchhitcker's Guide to the Galaxy). I don't think it's in theaters anymore...oh well. I was gonna buy it when it came out no matter what. AND GUESS WHAT?! Daniel bought me a new computer, and it plays DVDs, so now I can watch my movies (my at-the-time BRAND NEW DVD player "mysteriously" stopped working while "sitting untouched" at school when I went home for the weekend during first semester...) so I have been without for awhile, so I'm pretty excited right now.

My rummage sale kinda sucked. Well, in the sense that I sat outside for 4 hours and still had two boxes full of stuff to pack up and bring back inside. Even when I left the tables unattended for an hour, no one even wanted to steal anything...It was OK, though, I guess. I made about $20 because I sold 4 larger items. No one bought my books...I guess no one likes Goosebumps or Babysitter's club anymore. Even the used book store in Watertown won't take them. I was smart though, and I took all the books they would take there, and ended up with $10 store credit. Hopefully they will get some Douglas Adams books that I don't have yet. (HINT for my birthday: Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul)

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AND WHY, ON BLUE'S CLUES, DOES BLUE LIVE WITH STEVE, BUT MAGENTA HAS HIS OWN HOUSE??? (Is magenta a boy? Blue is a girl, I'm fairly certain. Crap! Why don't I know these things???) -----> This is what makes Nickelodeon so thought provoking. MY MIND IS BEING STIMULATED TO THE POINT OF ORGASM!!!!!!

This Is Educational TV?

OK, so I'm watching Dora The Explorer (it's early in the morning and I have had two cups of coffee)

Anyway, Dora's mom is having a baby, and Dora and boots need to get home. Now, a main part of the show isher using the map to get to a certain location, using landmarks on the way to know she's on the right path. (Example: River, Forest, Dora's House)

Now please, tell me why someone is allowed to wander all over the place with a freakin' MONKEY, talking to inanimate objects, and NOT EVEN KNO HOW TO GET BACK TO HER OWN HOUSE!!!!


HAHAHAHA!!!!

(I actually love this show, and think that it is great for children. I just found this funny.)

Not That Any Of This Matters Anymore...

It was so long ago...BUT:

Remember how I said that best friends will do things that hurt their friends, and not care...well how ironic that in that near area of time, SOMEONE I thought was my best friend stupidly tried to break up me and Daniel. IT"S NOT GOING TO WORK!!!!!! My baby knows I love him, and he is not going to believe some ramblings from a girl he barely knows! Good try though...


The worst part of it is that she LIED! To him, to ME! When I asked her about what had been said during the IM conversation between Daniel and her, she lied, repeatedly, and semi-convincingly. Fortunately (for me) I had been there for part of it, and had went back and read the entire thing before talking to her. She completely flipped it around when she talked to me, saying that Daniel had suspected everything, and asked her specific questions. All she did was answer yes or no.

THIS IS NOT HOW IT WENT...all he did was ask a small question to which he already knew the answer. Once she gave in and answered that one, she seemed to get pissed at me all over again for some stupid shit that I thought we had worked out, and started blurting out whatever she could think of. But when I asked her, she lied...all while saying that she loved me and didn't want to ruin our friendship...if I hadn't been so hurt, confused, and pissed, I would have laughed at everything.


It's so retarded...but whatever. I am a kind and forgiving person by nature, so as long as I am secure in my relationship with Daniel, and I know he loves me, and isn't going to believe something ridiculous from a stranger, I CAN LET THIS PASS.

(And to this "friend" : before you get all pissed, notice that I DID NOT USE YOUR NAME THEREFORE YOUR REPUTATION IS STILL CLEAN...or rather I should say that I didn't hurt it...)

To My Faithful Readers

Now that I am aware that people actually do read my blog, and actually leave comments (YAY!!!), I guess I should make an effort to keep it up over the summer. I rareky will have Internet access for the next few months, and so I will utilize the opportunities I have...


What is there to say...

...well I had a dream last week which I may post later (I typed it up as soon as I woke up, but it's saved on my computer at home). Crystal (the friend formerly known as Christina) helped me to interpret it, and I guess what we came up with was that there is some changes going on in my life, perhaps some conflicting sides, and I am very frustrated at things that were once simple. Honestly, you could make that work for just about any situation...kind of like horoscopes...but I do see what it could be pointing at...

...it's too bad that dreams only tell you what's going on, and not how to fix it or what will happen in the end.

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So...what have I been doing things vacation...well, I'm trying to have a rummage sale this weekend, but it'll prolly rain. It's been so rainy lately. That's OK though. I like rain. Sun is nice too...as long as it's not unbearable hot. I might be able to wash my car if it stays nice. I've been spending alot of time with Daniel, Crystal, and Tyler lately. That's been fun. I've also been talking to David almost every day. I got to baby-sit Michael overnight last week. That was awesome. He was actually helping me unpack my stuff from college, and he behaved really well for me (alot better than he does at his house!). I have been watching Punk'd alot, too. Ashton is really hott...

Well i'm gonna go take my doggie for a walk...BUHBYE!!!!

I'm Just Saying...(WARNING: This Is A Rant)

It's so funny (in a non-comical way) how there seems to be this chain going....boyA dumps girlA for someone else, girlA is heartbroken. new girlB dumps boyA for loserB that fucked her over once before. boyA is heartbroken. loserB dumps girlB again. girlB is heartbroken. what can we learn from this...


NOTHING!!!! Nothing except for the ironic fact that that's how life works. You hurt others and others hurt you. Even the ones that you thought you could trust. Humans are selfish and evil in their nature...They may not always do the thing that benifits them, but they will usually hesitate to do something that hurts them, even if they know it will help a friend. At nikki's funeral, the pastor guy said that there was only a few people in the church who would have been willing to take nikki's place. That is sadly true. While her friends loved her, most wouldn't have died for her. Most wouldnt die for me, or you. I quote a Simple Plan song now: "Thank you for showing me that best friends cannot be trusted" I'm not saying that you cant trust your friends...I'm just saying that at some point, they will hurt you, and they'll know it, and they WONT CARE!!!! It is a fact of life...


TO MY BEST FRIENDS: I LOVE YOU GUYS....(lol as if that means anything right now...)

Why Does God Take Those Who Have not Yet Had A Life?

My only guess is that He wished for someone so high-spirited to spread her light and happiness to the pure souls in Heaven, rather than on us corrupted beings. I will see you again some day, Nikki...


In Memory of
NICHOLE MARIE BUSSARD
July 5, 1988 - May 9, 2005

The odd thing is that last night, I had a dream that I went back to my college, and she was there, and she was very much alive. I told her what happened, and to be very careful if she gets in to a car. This is odd, because this was a couple days after she died, and because she doesn't even go to my college. We went to high school together.

This whole thing is really freaky, too, because this same thing almost happened to Jon and Terry a few months ago...they also were in a car accident and were also thrown from the vehicle...but by some miracle they survived. I am very thankful for that...I dont know what I would have done had they not made it. However, I wonder for what reason they were allowd to live, and Nikki wasn't...

my fiance...

why doesnt he undrstand me? whenever i try and explain anything to him, he doesnt get the point, but instead just goes on about something else....some small little thing i may have said. he always misses the stupid point. why does he always have to make me feel like a little kid? just because he's almost 22 and im only 19, and just because he has a fulltime job he thinks that he's so much better than me. for god sake, im in college for a reason. its so that i can have the life i want sometime down the road. its not that i love the idea of moving a long ways away, taking out loans, and spending all my time studying. i want to have a good job that i enjoy when i grow up so that i can have a good life and support a family. and now that schools over for the year, i want to have a blast this summer but i know its gonna suck because i wont be able to do anything, and its because of him. he'll want me with him whenever hes not working, and if anything cuts in to that time by even an hour or two, he will get pissed. even when he's working, he'll wanna know what i was doing, and then destroy all the fun i had (if i even manage to have any) by letting me know how stupid he thinks it was. its like he just wants me to be a boring fucking adult and just do nothing. he doesnt realize that adults are allowed to have fun, too. or maybe he does, but it always has to be with your partner. im not supposed to be with anyone but be with him all the time. he doesnt seem to want me to have friends. he doesnt want me to have any fun unless it includes him. just because he has no life or friends doesnt mean that us normal people cant...

and just because im two hours away, he automatically assumes im cheating on him. his reasons are bullshit. they are because im far enough away that he wouldnt know, and because i dont call him very much. both of those also apply the other way around. i have just as much reason to accuse him of it as he does me, but i think they are pathetic reasons, and i trust him. he thinks that just because i have friends and stuff that i am not mature enough to get married. excuse me, but i dont think he is either. he doesnt even fucking trust me. he doesnt understand how the emotions of normal people work. he makes me feel like shit all the time. he makes me feel controled, and like i cant do anything without his approval. its so bad that when someone asks me for my opinion on something, im so surprised that i dont know what to say. im not used to making my own decisions. i mean, ya, he asked me what i think, but its never the right answer. he'll even go as far as to let me think that he agrees with me, and let me be relieved that i said the right thing, only to tell me after its all over with that he was pissed about what i said. i shouldnt have to live like this...

but i love him so much. believe it or not, he is very sweet to me. he's the one im destined for, i know it...dont even try to make any judgements about this...trust me, you dont know enough to have that right...i have already said enough about him on this blog, if you look at the correct posts, and there is nothing left for me to say in his defense. he just has his faults, as does everyone...it just so happens that his faults are tearing me apart...

WHAT A FUCKING RIP OFF!!!

The NUMBER ONE SUCKIEST thing about being a college student:

Spending almost $400 at the start of the semester on books that you rarely (if ever) open, and getting $7 back at the year-end buy-back...


...true fucking story

I just now finally got around to listening to Simple Plan's latest CD, and for no particular reason, this is my new favorite song ever by them:

How Could This Happen To Me

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white line.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

*CHORUS*

How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I’m trying to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I want to start this over a gain
So I try to hold
On to a time when
Nothing matters
And I can’t explain
What happened and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

*CHORUS*

I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

My favorite book has been made into a movie, and it comes out tomorow. I'm sure that I won't get to see it for a few weeks (Watertown is slow sometimes) but ya...I hope it doesn't suck. I'm sure though,, after reading the book series, the movie will be a dissapointment...it always is that way, you know...


***Interesting Tidbit
If you go to google, and search for "the answer to life, the universe, and everything" the google calculator will answer "42" (you really must read the books to understand this...)

The Answers To All Life's Important Questions

Click here for the answer to all of your questions, according to Shaggy

A Reminder About The Disclaimer...

I appreciate the concern shown towards be as a result of some of my previous posts. I would just like to remind everyone that this site comes with a disclaimer, and for good reason. I used to have a diary when I was younger. My "friends" kept finding and reading it, and because of that, I became unable to put my thoughts and feelings into a tangible form for fear that they would be read. I am finally getting over that. I understand that the point of this blog is for it to be read, and I love that there are at least two people who read it (haha). However, I ask you all (both) to remember that what I may say at one point may not be how I feel ten minutes later. I post things that are in my head, and this is a daring move, as there were lots of oppurtunities for upsetting alot of people. Luckily, none of them read this...

Anyway, my point (it's in there somewhere...) is this: I am going to try really hard to not let anyone or anything prevent me from using this blog as a ventilation place. Writing out my thoughts makes them more sorted, real, and able to be shared with others in an organized and permament form. In regards to my previous and future posts, don't think too much on them. If I have such a serious problem, I do know enough to talk to someone about it. Remember, I was talking to David last time...true, it was the talk that we had which lead me to that point, however, had I been set on killing myself, he have had a much harder time stopping me. The look on his face when I just mentioned it was enough to make me remember that I am loved. I know that I am blessed with a bunch of friends, and I know that the world is full lots of things that I would never want to leave.

I'm Starting To Understand How Harry Felt...

When Harry Potter first arrived in at Hogsmeade, he is following Hagrid around town to collect all of the things he needs for school. Imagine yourself as a small boy in an unknown place, speed-walking as fast as you can to keep up with the leisurely pace of the giant man leading you around. All you can see are his broad shoulders and a mass of long hair bobbing way up in the air in front of you. You try to keep up, not wanting to become lost without him...

This is how I felt today. Ryan, a boy in my Wellness class, and I both had some worksheets missing. Our teacher gave us a workbook and told us to make copies of the ones we needed. Ryan offered to make copies for me, and so I was following him across campus, into a building, up stairs, down stairs, down the hall, and all over the place to find the copy machine that he knew how to use. I couldn't help but laugh to myself, because I really felt like I was Harry and he was Hagrid.

It is such a good thing that I was able to get those worksheets made, though. As you made have noticed, I am a bit stressed about school right now...I am getting a C in at least one class (horrible by my standards) and my Algebra class...don't even talk to me about it!! I have been falling behind in all my classes, actually. Except for English. I may have really disliked my teacher, but his toughness has forced me to go to class (each subsuquent absense from now on results in an automatic deduction of one letter grade from my semester grade!) and therefore do all the assignments and be prepared. Math on the other hand...ya...thought it was easy, stuff I did in 8th grade. All I had to do was show up for tests. Well to keep it simple, IM FUCKED!!! He won't let me make up the test I missed, and I'll have to study/reveiw my ass off to get an A on the final. That's a high mark to shoot for, but it's my only hope in passing the class. Its a requirement, and I am not gonna allow myself to have to pay for it again, damnit! Plus I'm deathly afraid of losing my Opportunity Scholarship, which requires a cumulative GPA of 3.0 or above (never a problem before!!) I feel like such a fucking retard. But this last week, I have actually been getting things accomplished. I am almost caught up all my classes (math is the only one lagging now). I just have to remember that studying for the finals is crucail at this point. Thankfully, all of my friends feel the same way, and even the ones that aren't in school want me to do well, and so there shouldn't be any interferences.

Well, I've wasted enough time now. I'd best get back to work!

Kids Say The Darnest Things...

Working at a day-care, I hear alot of interesting things...

While pushing two girls on the swings...

Aerial(age 3): You've got fat boobies, right?
Me: What?!
Aerial: You've got fat boobies.
Me: Sure...
Aerial: My mommy and my daddy do, too. I don't. Not 'til I grow up, right?
Me: Yup!
Brittany(age 5): I have a swing-set...

(I don't know what's funnier...the fact that Aerial's mommy and daddy have "fat boobies" or Brittany out of nowhere..."I have a swing-set...")

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Emily, age 2, was laying in my lap with her blankie. I was cuddling and tickling her, and at one point, I said:

Me: I've got my Emily, all wrapped up in a blanket!

Emily (pushing the blanket away with a look of terror and betrayal on her face): I'm not wrapped up in a blanket. I'm just a regular human!

(where does she get this stuff?? One day, she was like "My apologies to my mother!!". I wasn't there that day, so I dunno why she said it, but its still cute!)

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Carter, at age 1, is at the stage when everything goes in his mouth. He walks up to me with a very plain looking green and yellow plastic boat bath toy in his mouth.

Me: Hey Carter, what you eatin?

Carter (very matter-of-factly): A boat. (at this, he toddles away...)

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Emily (while spinning around in circles to the music): I'm too little to rock and roll.

Me and David got a fishy. It's a betta (of course). Its the most beautiful blue I have ever seen!! We were both freaking out about it, so Kristy got it for us in addition to the one she picked for herself. I hope he realizes that he has full responsibility of it over the summer...

I'm thinking about naming it Tiberious ( I know, I'm strange...its some name I heard in History of Western Civilization class...)

We could call it Ty...that's not a strange name...

Random Quote From Kristy

Hey! Why's your dick caved in? - Kristy (to her son while changing his diaper)

Why Is Everything So Funny At 3:00 am??

Last night, David and I were sitting in my car talking, and suddenly I felt a draft. Note that the word "draft" sounds "giraffe". That was fucking hilarious last night! We just kept repeating the two words and laughing insanely at the fact that that we couldn't tell which one we were saying...

Ya, I know. We're crazy. Also note that "mule" backwards is "elum".
I won't even try explaining the hilarity behind this word, because it is impossible for anyone but David to understand it...

It's A Beautiful Day?

I guess we will wait and see if that holds true...School almost over...dunno what to think about that. I like being in Aberdeen with my friends, but I feel obligated to go home. That's it. I don't like going home. If my dad and Daniel moved to Aberdeen, I would never go home. There's other people I like to see from home, but they can come up here for a change, dangit!! I am also starting to get really irritated with certain people up here, so maybe going home is a good thing. I dunno...I guess I just have to concentrate on finishing school and passing...summer vacation is inevitable so I'll just take things as they come. I have to go meet with my advisor to make my schedule for next fall, so buhbye.

My Roommate The Computer Geek...

"Hey, did you know they elected a new pope." - Sakura
"Ya. We saw that on TV yesterday, remember? He was being installed." - Felicia

This Is Me Being Thoughtful..

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Sometimes, in fits of honesty or self realization, you may allow thoughts to become tangible in forms of written or spoken expression which are in turn interpreted by the very people that shouldn't be allowed access to that information. Once your private thoughts are out in the open, for better or worse, there is no way to take them back. But maybe that is a good thing...because you don't always realize the power of your words until they have had awhile to soak into the fibers of the world. Once you understand their full effect, you may be glad that you weren't able to snatch them back at the first sign of dissaproval.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It is (probably) optimal to always tell the truth...or at least most of the time. It is also (probably) a good idea to never do anything that needs lying about, although not all things are in your complete control.

OK. My thoughtfulness just left...sorry to leave you hanging, but these bursts only show up for a short amount of time...

At the risk of sounding like Felicia...

I HATE MONEY!!!

I have about $40 to my name right now, and I own NSU $25 for a stupid parking ticket, I owe BMG $50 for CDs and late charges (honestly not too worried about this...) and who knows how big my fucking cell phone bill is gonna be!! At least $60, I'm sure...I really hate to do it but I'm gonna have to ask my uncle for money...Maybe I could sell some stuff...My N64...ya...it's in great condition. Anyone wanna buy it??? Please??? Oh and I have a PS2 game...(I don't even have a PS2...)

Maybe I could sell myself on the street...eww no prolly not!

...

secrets i keep hidden...hidden from those who think they know me...no one knows me, not even me...isolating myself from the world...just let me sit in the fragment of reality that is my own twisted mind...allow me to live in my fantasy...allow me to live in peace, inviting members of my personal community in...one at a time...all i ask...please don't judge me...i do care what you think...i do...too much...just let me be...its my life...its my fantasy...if i want you there i will bring you to my world...ramblings...thats all this is...my mind forms thoughts...i feel detatched from the world...i feel so happy...living a lie...hiding...avoiding...running...trying to run my own life...my way...disregard for responsibility...no concept of time...becoming scared that it will all fall down in my face and the friends i pushed away will stand and laugh...

those that i care about may never know...i cant express my feelings properly anymore...love by domination...seems logical...doesn't really, but what do i know?

please dont leave me...know that somewhere deep inside this confused person is the girl who charms snakes...the one whom everyone loves...why do they love me?

what is so specail...i dont see it...all i see is me...and i am a psychotic confused mess

Random Notes:

Chinchillas really can ruin the mood...


We (Mal, Felicia, and I) actually did memorize the alphabet backwords

The Pope's New Groove

We are learning how to write html in English class (don't ask why...) and so anyway we are just practicing now with random text and images. The the image that I chose was of a white goat. The block of text I copied is about the pope...

Not sure that this is really a proper fit...

My Car Is PIMPIN!!!

YAY!!! I finally got a CD player in my car!!! (Thank you David!!)

History Class

Today in history, Dias was explaining what he did and didn't want to see in our term papers. One thing he mentioned was no rough language. After that point, he purposely threw in swear words in the rest of his lecture, never actually saying them, just implying. So ya then my phone rings. Its Mal. I apoligized, and then Dias says "Why don't you tell them that you are really f-ing busy." I was like "Can I really?" He said yes, so I answered "Hi Mallory. I'm in Dias's class and he wanted me to tell you that I'm really f-ing busy. I'll call you back, ok?" The whole class had gotten quite to listen to me. It got a few laughs. I'm sure my face was red, but it was great. *smile*

Congratulations!!!

My car had a baby!!!

Now allow me to explain: The other day, Shaggy was trying to park behind my car as close as he could in order to leave enough room behind him for Kristy's car. He parked so close that they were touching. We somehow turned that to mean that they were having sex. Hours later, he accidently hit me again with his car. I exclaimed " Are you fucking me again??" He said he was, and I told him that I would let him know if my car got pregnant. Part two goes as follows: Mal, Felicia, and I were trying to memorize the alphabet backwards. We were trying to group the letters into sounds that would be easier to remember. One part was "RQPO". Say it once fast. It sounds like a mixture of R2D2 and C3PO (Star Wars). Somehow, I decided that my car was R2D2 and Shaggy's was C3PO, and that the baby that they would have together would be called RQPO. So we went to the store and bought a 94 cent Hotwheels car that somehow alomost resembles a mix of our cars. I am going to go over to Shaggy's and demand child support.

This post is to Tammy...my email is too damn slow...

Me=scared shitless of authority
Katie=loves to call the cops to prove that she is an adult

If her aunt (as she considers her) tells her "hey, so and so did this, will you please call the cops for me" of course she will do it. It doesn't sound so unreasonable...except for the fact that it was a stupid reason to call in the first place (im talking about what she told the cops, not the real reason, being that she was mad at him i suposse, which is an extremely dumb reason) and also the fact that if joyce has a problem with something, she should have the balls to take care of it herself. And really, dont cops have more serious matters to deal with? if i was the cop, i would have said "thats too bad lady, just ground him or something. dont freakin bother me with shit like that". but ya...i'll talk to katie about it...its quite possible that she doesnt realize that joyce has major pms and what shes pissed about.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

I have come to the ultimate decision that nothing matters. Not even this post. I have so much to say. So much going on in my head, yet I just can't grasp any one thought long enough to read it. Just know that I died from confusion. Did youever wonder about what you would write in a suicide letter? I don't know what I would say. I wouldn't be able to think of everything that I would want to say to everyone. I'm sure I would leave some people out, and leave many to never understand what I was feeling. Also, I have read a friends letter, and it is not a fun thing. I woudn't want someone to have to read about all my contradictions. I could nver express everything in a short letter, and what's the use of wasting time on a long one? Who would read it?

IF YOU HAD ONE LAST CHANCE TO TELL THE WORLD THE THINGS YOU KEPT INSIDE/ONE MORE DAY TO RELEASE THE THOUGHTS THAT MUCH PREFER TO HIDE/WHAT WOULD YOU SAY/ WHAT WOULD YOU LIE/WOULD YOU FINALLY TELL THE TRUTH/REGRET WHAT YOU SAY/REGRET WHAT YOU DON'T/THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU - Copyright MEEEEE

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
(If I Die Tomorrow - Motley Crue)

Are You Taking Me To David?**

I sit here doing nothing, being as useless as the rest of my life. Felicia is watching some movie about a demonic looking teddy bear who belongs to a boy named David.

Daniel came to see me today for like an hour. It was nice. I love him.

I feel like I have so many things that need doing, and they never get done. Whenever I actually get the motivation I need, someone gets in the way.

**from the movie "artificial intelligence"

Random Quotes

"Sometimes its the littlest things we take for granted, just like a fish, cause no matter what, they will be there, and will never get pissed and walk out on a conversation" - Tammy

"Guys are always so rough. I like soft things...like girls!" - Felicia

"Ford, you're turning in to an infinant number of penguins." - from a book

At Least the Sun's Out

I forgot to study for my math test, and therefore am skipping AGAIN. I have to make up a history exam tomorow. Also have to write a term paper. I'm not sure if I want to stay here or not. School almost out. Then I can be home. Yay. That bad thing is that dammit! Just realized this! If David doesn't get out like in the next month, then I won't be here, and I still won't get to see him...Freakin' A! I get to visit him tomorow. Skipping MIS class. Missing that test too dammit!! Oh well..its a hassle but he's worth it. I wonder if he misses me...

NOOO!!!!

My poor fishie is dead...*big tears*

Akira Voldemort, Rest in Peace

You've no idea how tramatized I am by this...:(

Now That I'm More Awake...

I really need to start sleeping...its not good for me to go without sleep and food so much as I have been doing. I guess its the weather. Its so nice out, its got me feeling great. Plus Mal really encourages me. Good thing she called me this morning. I fell asleep on her bed when she went to class, and I woulda missed mine had she not called me. Its not good...I get dizzy all the time, and sick to my stomach. But our windows are clean! And chust...you think there aren't enough hours in the day to put off all the stuff you need to do, but even when you never sleep, you still run out of time to procrastinate!!! Well, teacher lady wants me to do work now. BYE

I'm Lovin' It

There's something about McDonald's coffee and a breakfast burrito at 7 am that makes you wonder why the hell you stayed up so late. At 5 this morning, Mal and I were washing her car windows. Then we went driving and ended up at McDonald's. Now it's much too late to sleep, and we have officailly pulled our second all nighter. This is insane. I WANT TO SLEEP!!!

Go Look At My Photos!!!!

Here is the direct link to my online photo album. If you've looked at it before, you'll have to skip to page 3 to see new pictures.

http://sakura-aeris.tripod.com/photos/index.album?i=0

Just To Clarify

I DID feel sorry for Shawnna. I did. She was hurting bad, and I really couldn't help it, but I tried. I tried listening, I tried explaining, I did everything a friend could do. What I didn't do was promise I would never talk to Tyler again. I think thats why she hates me. She couldn't understand why I was still his friend, and whether she knew it or not, a much closer one than she ever was. Rather than accept my nuetral position, she avenged me for it. She started saying that I was dating him, that it was my fault, that I knew everything he was doing and didn't tell her. MONTHS later, she still wouldn't let up on it. She wouldn't talk about anything but what a horrible person he was and how terrible I must be to stay friends with him. Weeks after that, she yells at me in public, while shes working. She had been worried about getting in trouble for me going through her checkout line when we were friends, but she can bitch me out while customers wait and listen? Whatever, bitch. Get over it, get over yourself, and FUCKING DIE!!!!

The Simple Pleasures in Life

I used to dread going in to the Watertown Wal-mart because Shawnna worked there. After our "final disagreement" as I shall call it, every time we saw each other, it was a very awkward moment, resulting in us both darting in opposite directions. I can't speak for her, but I know it ruined my day. Seeing her left me in a horrible, vengence-seeking mood. I would bitch to everyone that would listen about why I hated that bitch. But by now, I think I have ventilated enough to be satisfied, and while I would still delight watching her house burn the the ground, with all of her skating memorobilia and awards in it, I no longer allow her to ruin my mood. Instead, it has quite the opposite effect. I saw her yesterday and today in Wal-mart, and each time, I remembered that she is twice as sensitive as me, and twice as incapable to let things go. Therefore, seeing me will probably ruin her day twice as much. Let her remember that while she was in love with him, my best friend dumped her. The bitter old hag will never let that go. Let her remember that he gave ME the Tigger, and not her. She can just go on thinking that there was something between us. Also, let her remember that I am still with Daniel (he was with me yesterday when I saw her). I can't help but smile at the thought of her running back to the break room in tears, just because she saw me at work. (Although this didn't happen, I can pretend. Theroretically it could have)

A House Warming Party Is In Order!

My fishy, Akira (aka Voldemort), moved into his new home today. Well, technically yesterday, but close enough. Its a clear bowl with a mixture of cerulean blue and clear marble-rock things. There's a (fake) white flowering plant growing from the center, and a purple-blue flower floats on a lily pad on the water's surface. I think he shall be quite happy.

I am very disapointed that SOMEONE hasn't been posting on her blog lately...

Damn, homework sucks ASS!!! It's almost summer, it's almost summer...

Also, Ty, I had a similar experience...I'm in the BMG music club, and normally its fine. I only buy when theres sales, etc. But sometimes they call and want to give me such a "great deal" by sending my 3 CDs and a certificate for 9 free ones. That would be fine...if there were 12 CDs I really wanted. It's 18 for each of the 3 u must buy...that makes $54. Each of the cds, free or not, have a S&H charge of $3, totaling $36. Thats $90 dollars!! True, in Sam Goody, 12 cds would run you about $200 or more. But I do not WANT 12 cds, therefore I do not want to take advantage of your "specail offer". It's ridiculous, cuz they say u qualify cuz ur an outstanding member, but u can rack up a $50 bill (of cds costing $8 or less, as that is the only time I buy them), not pay for a year, and as soon as u do, ur back in great standing. And they badger you, saying "but your going to buy these cds anyway, why not let us save u money?" No, actually, I dont think i would...and furthermore, you have to choose from a short list of cds they pick out for the initial 3. Its so ridiculous.

HAHA! So Happy, I Am!

Life is great when you make certain discoveries that make you giggle like a schoolgirl and blush.*TEE HEE* You have made my day! And I was so worried...

Random Things That Suck

*Saying things you really should have kept to yourself

*Speeding Tickets

*When fate shows you how you made someone else feel

*Moving 2 hours from your best friends

*Large class assignments that are all due the same week

*Being trapped in something you always dreamed of

*Bad immune systems

*Not being able to control fate

*Controling fate only to find you should have let it be

*Car problems

*Working

A Very Interesting Easter Break Indeed

Those with whom I experienced the various events know what I mean!!

Top 5 Things About Easter Break:

1. Finding out that THREE of my friends want me (lol)
2. Having a son for about a half hour
3. SAM!!
4. FINALLY eating at Pizza Hut
5. Getting another speeding ticket (k...this part actually sucked ass)

WHOOOO WHOOOO

Last night, Stacy, David, and I were walking across town to Scotty's house. The walk itself was long and cold, but fairly fun. It really felt like High School again, wlaking down the middle of the street during the wee hours of the night with my friends.The funnest part of it all was crossing the train tracks. Being from small little towns, Stacy and I had never really been that close to train before. We needed to cross the tracks to get to Scotty's, but we didn't really wanna wait for the whole damn thing to pass. David's like "run!". So we did. We ran right in front of the thing and we were so scared that we would fall down. It was close enough that it wouldn't have been able to stop. Right as we were crossing, we both looked over and saw it right there with its big old light shining right at us. Then it blew its whistle. It was the scariest frickin thing ever! It was great.... *smile*

Nice Little Coincidences Are Convenient

Every notice when something totally random happens and it either prevents something terrible from happening or causes something really great to happen? Nice, isn't it? Like today, I was going to back up out of my parking space at work, and for some dumb reason, I didn't look behind me before throwing the car into reverse. I hit the gas but it didn't go. I had just started turning my head to look behind me when I saw the car that was behind me, going for the spot on the other side of me. Had my car listened to me when I'd instructed it to back up, I would have smacked them, and it would have been a pretty dumb move on my part.

How Will She Ever Teach Him To Share??

"Hey, hey, hey, Michael, that's mommy's Vicatin."
- Katie

2 Out Of 2 College Students Agree

"The time consuming process of doing nothing is having an adverse effect on my studies."
- Sakura
(Stuart feels the same is true for him)

Patrick Harding, I Thank You

You told everyone I was your girlfriend when I wasn't, and yet you slept with one of my best friends. Because of this, my godbaby was born. Even though you ditched her, abondoned your son, and gallavanted off with some other girl, cared for her child that wasn't yours (while stil denying your own son) and eventually married someone and dissapeared, I thank you. Because of the state you left Katie in, she matured very quickly. I have been there for her, and we have grown very close. I also have a baby boy to help raise, which is convenient since Daniel and I choose not to have our own just yet. Because of me and Katie's closeness, we had a Halloween party a year and a half ago. That party started my feelings for Terry. Although we didn't work out, it was through him and my mixed up feelings that I ultimately realized how much I care for Daniel and now we are doing better than ever. When I became friends with Terry's family, Christina did, too, and with them, she found the stable home environment she needed to get her through tough times. She also found someone who cares for her as a person, understands her, and is the kind of guy I always wanted her to be with.
Patrick, I hate what you did to Katie and Michael, and I wish with all my heart you would come back into your son's life. But I will not say that making him was a mistake. When one little thing causes a chain of events to happen, it produces a butterfly effect. Change one thing, change everything. Had you not been an irrisponsible prick and knocked up some random girl, our lives would all be very different. I thank you for all the things you did, even though you really don't deserve it.

Once again, i find myself thanking someone for doing something that doesn't necessarily deserve a "thanks". Through my brother I am learning the full extend of what I put Daniel through, and I feel horrible all over again. Even when we fight, as we did a couple times over spring break, I still would rather be with him and hate him for the moment than love him and know I ruined my chance to be with him. Supossedly, Terry still likes me and it's so tempting sometimes, but Daniel is my life, and many times I have said that. Over break, he took his ring back during a fight and then left the room. I immediately erupted with unstoppable tears and searched the kitchen as frantically as I could without waking anyone, and I was literally going to kill myself. I downed some tylenol pm and I found the sharpest of the new knives they got for christmas. i had it to my wrist, and something stopped me. I went back into his bedroom and we worked things out. i realized that without him, i have nothing. terry is a great friend, and i never want to lose that. but a little girl crush is not worth giving up true love that has grown so strong over almost 4 years.

***Disclaimer - don't get upset with me. i'm not implying that what you did was a mistake. i don't know who ur meant to be with and fate has a fucked up way of letting us know these things. this post was not meant to attack you, it was for me to express my feelings and my own life. i still love you like a sister.

Favorite Songs Of The Moment

Just though I would document this for future reference.

In no particular order, my favorite songs at the moment are:
Candy Shop - 50 Cent
My December - Linkin Park
Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil
Disco Inferno - 50 Cent
Bless The Broken Round - Rascal Flatts
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Nothin' To Lose - Josh Gracin

Amazing!

I got my first officail written warning from my RA over spring break. (note that I was not even here over spring break). I'm so excited that I can get in trouble without even doing anything wrong!!!!

See what happened is that my roomate was staying in the dorms some extra time after break started (and after I went home) and before she left, she had forgotten to unplug something and left something in the trash can. So we both got blamed for it, which is retarded, because she was here at least a day after I was, therefore she should have been the one to do the final check out procedure. Obviously she would need things plugged in after I left, and therefore I couldn't really do it...see what I mean?

Kind Of Irrelevant, But A Good Idea

The other day, my dad was talking to me about when he was younger, him and his friends would go to this resteraunt, lounge, bar place and order coffee. They would drink it down about half way and then refill the cup with vodka. They were called "the most wide awake drunks in the place."

Update Of Spring Break

Well, not a whole lot has happened over break. I have yet to meet up with Ty. Sam and Roy. I didn't go anywhere besides Watertown, and it isn't even nice out any more. Still, it's nice to not have to go to school, although I'm starting to understand what Christina goes through every day when all her friends are at school and she has nothing to do until they get home. Daniel worked yesterday and today, so I had a chance to run around with my other friends, but Christina and Roy are out of state, and Katie ran off somewhere. Yesterday I hung out with her siblings. That was interesting...enough said. (although I will note, for my own future reference, that I got serverely pissed off at Pedro).

I had alot of weird dreams, which unfortunately, I don't remember anymore, but I'm sure they probably meant something. In one of them, I got a 40% on my history test (NOOOOOO!!!!!) I'm so nervous about that!!! I wonder when my Algebra test is...gee...I never go anymore. Maybe this break will leave me rejuvinated and I will be ready to attent my classes faithfully and keep up with all my work.

Ya...Right

Classes on Penmanship

It would be great if when professors tore your work apart, the scribbles they use to express their advise was legible. I understand that many have 150 or more papers to read through, but helpful comments are hardly helpful when you can't read them

PS I still hate my English teacher!! But I WIN!!! FUCKER!!!

The other day, he was going around telling people things he thought they should do differently on their research papers, and I hadn't turned in a proposal. I knew he was gonna yell at me, but I had it printed, I just forgot to get it. To be honest, I'm sure he would have had no problem with me going back to the dorm to get it, but that would not be cool because I knew I still hadn't done it correctly (due to the fact that fuck face sent me a very UNHELPFUL response when I emailed him asking for guidelines on how to format it in accordance to his precise standards). Instead, when he approached me and asked whether I had brought it, I said, without even looking at him, "No, I forgot it in my room, and I was going to ask you if I could go get it, but I didn't figure you'd let me anyway." I heard him sigh in the way that adults do when they give up a child, deeming them unreachable. "Well then I'm not even going to talk to you about it." he grumbled, as if I was supossed to be heart broken or something. That's what I wanted.
It really is unfortunate that he is such a dickweed, because he seemed so nice otherwise. I thought he actually liked me (as a student and nothing more, just for clarification) at the begining of the year. That is, until I gave up on beating Athena and just let her be a long-winded, annoying presenter when asked even the simplest question.*****Now I just sit there and pointedly roll my eyes whenever she opens her mouth. It really does suck, though, because it's not like me to hate English, and he's making me do just that. Also, I had wanted to learn HTML, and we are doing that at the end of the term, and I'm still gonna hate him. Ha...I can use what he teaches us against him. I'll revamp my site and include all kinds of rude things poking fun at him.

*****Here is a made up example of why Athena is a long-winded, annoying presenter when asked even the simplest question:

Teacher: What color is an apple?
Athena (using tons of hand and arm gestures): Well, I believe that it really depends upon the type of apple you are talking about. If it is the kind which is the same color of a firetruck, for example, then that would make it, obviously, a red apple. However, if the apple you're talking about is the same color as the grass, then it would be a green apple. (while you're imagining this, please add in long pauses at awkward places, as well as stupid smiles and giggles that are completely unprovoked).
After all this, she may or may not turn to her group members (who were also addressed when the question was asked) and ask 'What do you guys think?"

Lettuce, Anyone?

So the other day, I'm downstairs in Christina's room with her, and suddenly, Terry comes down with a big bowl, munching on something. He just stands there for a bit, allowing us to finish our conversation before he thrusts the bowl into Christina's face. "Lettuce, anyone?" he askes. Christina and I both crack up and fall onto the bed. The bowl was, of course, full of lettuce. What possessed him to fill a bowl with lettuce, then come downstairs and offer us some out of freaking nowhere is beyond me, but this type of unpredictable behavior is why I love him. What makes a situation like this funnier is when someone does something so unexpected and they just continue on with their lives like it's nothing. He stood there watching us howl with laugher as he shoved more lettuce into his mouth. When I finally was able to stand up, I turned to have the bowl shoved in my own face. Then, to top it all off, when we three marched upstairs, Terry leading the way, I hear his mom say "Terry, you weren't eating my lettuce, were you??"

Dumb People Are Always Blissfully Unaware Of How Dumb They Really Are

The best episode of SpongeBob SquarePants is the one where Patrick's parents come visit, and Spongebob acts really stupid to make them think that Patrick is smart. They end up thinking that Spongebob is a complete moron, and Patrick really starts laying it on him, isulting him left and right. So Spongebob gets mad and talks to him about it in private, where it seems Patrick forgot all about the plan and thinks Spongebob really is dumb. So to prove he is smart, Spongebob goes and talks to Patricks parents and shows them that he can talk and do math and everything, and they think that Patrick taught him that, and they are so proud of him. Then Squidword shows up with two more adult starfish, saying that they have been at his house all morning asking where Patrick was...it's his real parents. Then the other "parents" are like "Oh ya...we don't have a son!" It's a great plot and lots of funny lines are said.

Random thought:

How annoying it is that a NSU student must park 3 blocks from campus during the state wrestling campionship because people from out of town are taking up all the room (whether it be an actual parking spot or not) in the "Permit Required" sections of the parking lot at NSU!

Didn't Recieve That Memo!!!

Hey! Did you know that if you look at naked women you are no longer able to teach music class???

FUCKING BASTARDS

THERE BETTER BE MORE TO THE STORY THAN WHAT I'VE HEARD, OR I'M GONNA GO BALLISTIC ON THOSE FUCKERS!!

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE MY STUPID ENGLISH TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*STARTS FREAKING OUT AND THROWING THINGS ACROSS THE ROOM* STUPID ASSHOLE GODDAMN FUCKER. AT LEAST I DID MY FUCKING PROPOSAL AND AT LEAST I CAME TO YOUR STUPID CLASS DONT FUCKING YELL AT ME FOR WORKING ON A FUCKING ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT IN ENGLISH CLASS!!!!DOING RESEARCH FOR MY PAPER IS ALOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN DISSCUSSING THOSE STUPID ASS ESSAYS YOU MAKE US READ. YOU TREAT ME LIKE IM SOME RETARD WITH THE MENTALITY OF A 3 YEAR OLD BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF DOING ENGLISH WORK IN FUCKING ENGLISH CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Turn That Frown Upside Down!!

Why do people say that? Besides sounding completely stupid and cliche, it makes no sense. No one actually turns the corners of their mouth down in a frown shape when their upset, and smiling doesn't look like the typical "smiley face" either. In the case of smiley faces, yes, it works. The reverse of one is the other. In the case of *normal* people, not so much.

In any case, how would I go about doing that? I could fake a smile, but how's that gonna help? I would feel ridiculous and wouldn't be able to hold the pose for more than 3 seconds. No, it would be much simpler to hang my whole self upside down, including my so called "frown". Eventually, though, all the blood would rush to my head and it would explode.

Turn that frown upside down!!

Now you've something to think about besides your meaningless existance. Next time someone says that to you, they're either really, really gay, or they want your head to explode. Really makes you feel better, doesn't it?

Question On Growing Up

When you reach a certain age, does the ability to have crushes just disipate, or do adults just hide it better? To me, crushes are necessary. After you fall in love and find the man (or woman) of your dreams, its still exciting to have someone you can worship from afar and giggle to your friends about when the person of your admiration actually talks to you. Love isn't feeling all flustered when a guy looks at you or writing his name with hearts around it on every piece of paper you access. That is stupid, immature idol worship. Love is soooo much deeper than that, and it is an awesome feeling and a lot to handle. However, stupid, immature idol worship is good for the soul.

thoughts

you become what you see
all around you
i learned from the best
how to feel sad
how to make an art of it
how good little blue pills are
so pretty in my hand
they slide down my throat
and fromt hem arise a gas
which floats to my head and
becomes thick, slowing all the thoughts
stopping the worry
i drift off to sleep and for a few hours
i forget my problems

how can i ever grow up
how can i deal with bigger problems
when i cant handle the pittiful ones i have now?
when i have children looking up to me
i cant deal with it like i do
i'll have to change if i'm gonna make it that far
and right now, daniel is worth it
i just hope that never changes

It's A Record For This Year!!!!!

Well, for almost 48 hours, I was happy. Now I wanna kill myself again, but that's just how it goes I guess.

Sick of trying - what's the point

Sick of talking - no one listens

Sick of listening - it's all lies

Sick of thinking - just end up confused

(It's from a song, don't worry)

Remember how I said that Daniel was my reason for wanting to live when I get all upset and crazy? Well what the fuck is my reason for living if he's my reason for being all upset and crazy???

How am I suppossed to live with someone that I love so much??

Fish Use Their Inner Ears To Hear The Future

HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though, I was thinking. Wait, there's more. I'm here to shock and amaze. I would make a horrible fish. Or a great one, depending your perspective. If you've ever browsed the fishing section of your local Wal-mart, you've noticed all the cute, fuzzy, chewy little things they have to catch fish with. If one of those appeared in the water in front of me, I'd be all over it like white on rice. Well actually, rice isn't always white. How about, I'd be all over it like cute on Dr. Dias.

Cammie Dog!

My brother-in-law Brian bought this dog for his lying, greedy, slutbag girlfriend. After he caught her cheating, he took the dog back. Now she's "our" dog!

Katie In Michael's Crib

Michael's mom steals his crib when he's away. She actually slept there all night!